It has been a while

Its been a while.

I have a lot to say and have kept it to myself for a while, because... well, because.  Others have more tragedy, more stress, more work, more need, and I start to feel a little ungrateful for what I do have.

I haven't shared beyond a few people.   And so out to the ether world I purge.

We were pregnant.  Now we aren't.  It's been a few months and I was ok.  Now I am not.

I am old.  This was a surprise.  We were happy.  And then it was over.  A brief flicker, a heartbeat under my own and a lot of of excitement.  The last one.  One more to complete an already perfect set.  We already had the minivan to make it all work.  Maybe a boy but four girls would be amazing too.  To be honest, it rejuvenated a marriage that was needing some shine.

But I am old, fertility wise.  We could try again, but after 3 miscarriages and 3 term pregnancies, I am tired.   I was not sure I wanted another until we were surprised by it.  Oh, my heart, how I wanted it, him, her.   But now I am not interestd to try again and w

Even when we were scared that I was miscarrying, it stopped.  The heartbeat was strong and fast.  The measurements were good.  But there was something not quiet right on the spinal pole.  There were questions, and we were warned to be ready for the worst.  But it hadn't happened yet.  And so, hope.

We went home, I kept my feet up, couldn't lift my babies, but I held them in my arms.

But

But

But when we went went for follow up, there was not a heartbeat.  God's plan, ok.  Old eggs, and old maternal DNA and high risk pregnancy be damned.    I didn't care.   I was sad.  But I was ok, I knew in my head and was braced for the worst

But

But

But

I have had three really really really really hard times in my life that almost did me in.
A few months after my first miscarriage.  It almost ended my relationship with my husband.
A few months after my second miscarriage, I started crying one day and couldn't stop. Happened to be the day we were trying on dresses for my sisters wedding.  She hasn't forgiven or extended grace yet, and for that... well, forgiveness for what she did to me is not in my heart right now either. I lost a baby and sister.   And I am mad about it.

And now.  Oh dear God right now.  It feels like if I survive with my life intact it will be astonishing.
I know it is hormonal.  I know it is grief and age and horomones, and depression and anxiety and mourning and grief and horomones and horomones and horomones and I am absolutely frozen and overwhelmed and my eyes... Dammit, but my students think I have the world's worst contact lenses that keep making my eyes water.  I have them convinced... allergies.

I am coming apart at the seams.  Appointment made for better living through chemistry. But for the love of God, world please grant me some grace to get through this.

And no, there is nothing you can do but pray for healing. I probably don't even want to be asked, but even that decision is too hard to make.