feeling melancholy

I am feeling melancholy, so lets get that right out of the way. I moved from home because the sibling rivalry in my home was ridiculous. My older bother and I fought like cats and dogs for most of my childhood; but as soon as we were no longer under the same roof, we started to get along fantastically. My younger brother and I always got along OK - we have pretty different personalities - he is so athletic and I am kinda bookish, he was Prom King - I didn't even go... but he is so laid back that he is easy to get along with - he is the peacemaker. My sister, on the other hand, lets just say Glenda and WWof the West got along better. Most recently she tried to ruin my wedding, but that is a story that is neither here nor there today. But, the nasty version of sibling rivalry I suffered at her hands for most of my young adulthood pushing me close to the edge of my sanity and my ability to forgive, and frankly, the edge of my ability to not hurt back... one of us had to go, and being the big sis and not the mama's baby that my 30 year old sister still is and not being at all bitter (haha, but at least seeing it in myself is the first step, right?), I went as far from home as quickly as humanly possible. But, sometimes I know I went too far away, and married a man who feels firmly rooted here. Here where I do not want to be. I am inconveniently far from everyone, and as my nephews have grown from 5 and 3 to 17 and 15 since I moved here, and new babies continue to be born, I need to be there. There is nothing for me here. There is a good job and a nice home, but those can be found again. I have wonderful friends, but have spent my whole life in long-distance friendships and making new, nearby ones. My husband's family is distant at best, even as they are close by physically, all of them spending more than my lifetime here, and definitely not needing me as I need them - one sided relationships don't work so well. As long as my husband and child come too, I could be packed and out the door tonight.

I know something in me is broken and I do not know how to fix it. I know that holding onto these feelings is not healthy. My wedding was the last straw with my sister, my mother doesn't see it - or at least refuses to acknowledge it (although my brother acknowledged the problem, at least at my rehearsal dinner), my brothers both have new babies I am desperate to meet, I am jealous of the closeness of others with their families.

I always say or do just the right thing to push others away, and even though I try so hard, I just am socially needy, awkward and insecure.

I know all these things will get better with prayer. And intense therapy...


UPDATE: ACTUALLY SHARED MY THOUGHTS WITH THE SIS. HAD A TEARFEST. MADE A PLAN TO TRY TO BOND. HOPE SHE MEANS IT, BECAUSE I DO
Sigh. Ok. Back on track, pity party is over...

Things to be grateful for today:

The twins are in NICU, but with a little luck and prayer, should be able to go home with mama and daddy tomorrow.
I do actually like my job and the people I work with.
My daughter is beginning to read.
My niece and her family are finally healthy and back into the world today.
My husband has been offered a good job that he wasn't even looking for.
I no longer have black roots and blonde ends (sometimes it is the little things, you know?)