So, really...

I am almost 4 weeks on my new meds and am still not feeling so perky. I slept for 10 hours last night, and for 4 hours this afternoon, and just as soon as the kid closes her eyes, I am going back there.

I am devastated and uncertain why this is happening again. I have a great life. My hubs and I both have good jobs in this unreliable economy. We own our own home, two cars, and just about anything else we want. Our marriage is great. Our daughter is a genius. We have friends and family that love us. How can I look at my husband and tell him I feel so worthless right now? That no matter how often he tells me he loves me, I feel unloved and unlovable. I can't stand the pain in his eyes and would not begrudge him for a minute if he left me. Right now, he probably should. I am not really fun to be around.

I am well aware that I am beginning to shut myself off from family and friends. We came to some enlightenments in our premarital counseling, and it seems my MO is to reject before I am rejected, to close communication before people start closing me out. Probably stemming from a huge abandonment complex I have had since I was 2. For good reason, btw. PS. Dislike my counseling situation. Am trying to get into a new counselor, but apparently the post-Christmas blues are jamming everyone up.

Did I ever tell you that I almost did not show up for my own wedding? I have had an ongoing certainty since my childhood that I would be stood up at the alter. I wasn't, but I damn well considered doing the standing-up so that at least I would not be standing up there alone. I did not relax until my sister came back and told me that yes, the Daddy was there, shining his belt buckle and his awards, and I could get dressed now. Nothing like an abandoment complex.

But that is neither here nor there.

True story: I started sobbing uncontrollably last Sunday morning. Thought I could control it and agreed to go bridesmaid shopping. With bridezilla. She asked me what I thought of the dress I tried on. Per her email, I was to help her select a style, so to me that meant, tell me if you like or hate each dress. I hated it. I told her so. She neglected tell me that in the time since her ONLY email to me about shopping, she had decided this WAS the dress, did not care about my opinion , and where the hell was the cash I should have psychically known to bring with me? Oh yeah, the tears, back with a vengence, all the way home. She told me in no uncertain terms that I was the b**** of the year and ruined her wedding already, so I just may as well not be the matron of honor.

Thanks, sis. Nothing like feeling even more worthless. Anyone got plans for early July? Looking for something new to do...

Also put on ten pounds while the Daddy has lost at least 20. Making us look more than a little like Jack Pratt and his wife. *sigh*