The Circle of Life

The secret is out; yes I am pregnant. YAY us. We are due September 21. This has been a difficult month as we waited and did testing, and tried to keep the secret. You see, now that the news is out, we have also been able to tell those that did not know already that we had a miscarriage in early November. Some of my earlier posts may make more sense now. It was early on, and my body recovered quickly (obviously). But we had been so filled with Joy that all we did was laugh and giggle and tease each other about how fertile the Daddy must be that this was our second baby that we were suprised by (I was on birth control both times). We told the Girl we had a baby coming. And then we had to tell her we didn't.

We acknowledge that I am old, fertility-wise. We are aware that the older a woman is, the older her eggs are, and that something was wrong, and the was God's way of taking care of me, of us. But that did not mean we did not mourn. And in the midst of our mourning, we decided to stop all precautions and let God give us a baby when He was ready.

We just did not think He - or my body - would be ready so soon.

We found out that we were pregnant the same day we found out that Daddy's twin brother's time on earth was drawing to a close sooner than we thought. This has been a different first month of knowing, as we alternate emotions. We are not any less thrilled and happy about this pregnancy, but the emotional roller coaster is hard on us, especially the Daddy. He is happy enough that he told his Twin right away and the Twin asked for and saw the ultrasound before the Daddy held it in his hand. (Daddy saw an electronic version earlier that day). Long before anyone else in the family knew.

We are overjoyed and we are devastated. We are wildly excited and looking at each new day with dread that it may likely be the Twin's last day. As I desperately try to sleep off the around-the-clock nausea, the Daddy tries desperately not to close his eyes as he sits with the Twin all night long.

I hold my husband in my arms as he weeps and know that I cannot take his pain. While he weeps that he cannot take the pain from his brother.

The Girl spilled the beans a few days ago, and the reaction of the gathered family was lovely. As we stood in the hallway, taking turns visiting the Twin, hope pushed aside some of the despair. Faces that have struggled to find smiles lately gathered close in congratulations and hope. Daddy's oldest sister squeezed me hard when I whispered, "We didn't mean to tell everyone quite like this," and replied, "It is good news. It is the circle of life."