The month of our marriage, moths to a flame

I wrote this last month, but never published it... Here you go.

So, we were dating.  It was...interesting.  And lovely.  And interesting.    We enjoyed many of the same things. But we definitely prioritized differently. Friends were more important than relationships for him and more than once I felt let down and embarassed when he would be late because he and his friends lost track of time.  I began to be kind of a nag, I admit it.  That is not fun.  For either of us.  So, we stopped dating.  Sort of.   Time and again we would end up back together. Nothing official, but like moths to a flame, we both continued to be drawn in, even at times when the relationship was not the best one for either of us. You know the show Friends?  Well, we are the real-life versions of Ross and Rachel.  Friends, in love, friends, on a break, seeing other people, together but secretively, living together, parents together, living apart, on a break, friends, in love again, living together, and finally married.  It was a long, bumpy road, and more than once, one of us or the other would throw in the towel.  Enough.  It was just too hard.  It was not supposed to be that hard. At one time, he said this was the most dysfunctional relationship he had ever been in.  He was probably right - then.  But, the reality is that the path that led us here - including the heartbreak, the hurt, the confusion, the fear, was as meaningful - if much less enjoyable - part of the journey as the good parts -- of which there have been so very many.  Without them, neither of us would be the spouse we are today.  We fight.  Like crazy sometimes.  But it is funny how those fights have changed.  The arguments are about stuff and situations, not about each other. They are arguments within a secure confines that divorce is not an option.  Leaving is not a threat.  "We are through" is not a possibility.  It is safe to say what I mean, what I need, what I want... and know that I am heard - with as little defensiveness as possible. 

For him, marriage changed the relationship.  It became different for him.  Attitudes about me, about family, all shifted into a different mode.  I do not understand the difference for him.  Why the word "wife" means something so wholely different than girlfriend or even fiancee. But I like the difference.  It results in a whole difference for me - a better level of trust and security.  A lack of fear.  A confidence in him that I was unable to have before. A lack of wondering. 

Had we been married in the beginning, I have no doubt we'd be one of those couples who married and divorced quickly, and made their friends shake their heads in disbelief as we dated after the divorce.  Because he is it for me.  All the times one of us walked away - and we both did our fair share - we were always drawn back.  We share a child - now two.  Contact between us would always have been a given.  But we were drawn to each other, not just to her. 

We are at 8 years together, just starting our life as a married couple.  At the point at which you hear about the "seven-year itch", we are strong in our committment to each other, drawing together at that time marker in a relationship when many begin to pull apart.

Do I expect it to be perfect?  Of course not.  And we are not.  He is still always late.  I am still something of a nag.  There are still character flaws that we both tiptoe around, and ones we acknowledge privately but choose to ignore.   But we have been through the big crises.  The REALLY BIG ONES.  And we have come out the other end even more ready to commit our lives to each other.  We know how to deal with Hell and High Water.  We have already been there, done that.  I know it will happen again - all marriages face times of crisis, and ours will be no exception.  But we will survive.  We already have.

I love him.