The Witch of Blackbird Pond

I love this book.
We are reading it in my 7th grade book study group. I hope they get as into it as I do. I find it utterly fascinating.

So, really...

I am almost 4 weeks on my new meds and am still not feeling so perky. I slept for 10 hours last night, and for 4 hours this afternoon, and just as soon as the kid closes her eyes, I am going back there.

I am devastated and uncertain why this is happening again. I have a great life. My hubs and I both have good jobs in this unreliable economy. We own our own home, two cars, and just about anything else we want. Our marriage is great. Our daughter is a genius. We have friends and family that love us. How can I look at my husband and tell him I feel so worthless right now? That no matter how often he tells me he loves me, I feel unloved and unlovable. I can't stand the pain in his eyes and would not begrudge him for a minute if he left me. Right now, he probably should. I am not really fun to be around.

I am well aware that I am beginning to shut myself off from family and friends. We came to some enlightenments in our premarital counseling, and it seems my MO is to reject before I am rejected, to close communication before people start closing me out. Probably stemming from a huge abandonment complex I have had since I was 2. For good reason, btw. PS. Dislike my counseling situation. Am trying to get into a new counselor, but apparently the post-Christmas blues are jamming everyone up.

Did I ever tell you that I almost did not show up for my own wedding? I have had an ongoing certainty since my childhood that I would be stood up at the alter. I wasn't, but I damn well considered doing the standing-up so that at least I would not be standing up there alone. I did not relax until my sister came back and told me that yes, the Daddy was there, shining his belt buckle and his awards, and I could get dressed now. Nothing like an abandoment complex.

But that is neither here nor there.

True story: I started sobbing uncontrollably last Sunday morning. Thought I could control it and agreed to go bridesmaid shopping. With bridezilla. She asked me what I thought of the dress I tried on. Per her email, I was to help her select a style, so to me that meant, tell me if you like or hate each dress. I hated it. I told her so. She neglected tell me that in the time since her ONLY email to me about shopping, she had decided this WAS the dress, did not care about my opinion , and where the hell was the cash I should have psychically known to bring with me? Oh yeah, the tears, back with a vengence, all the way home. She told me in no uncertain terms that I was the b**** of the year and ruined her wedding already, so I just may as well not be the matron of honor.

Thanks, sis. Nothing like feeling even more worthless. Anyone got plans for early July? Looking for something new to do...

Also put on ten pounds while the Daddy has lost at least 20. Making us look more than a little like Jack Pratt and his wife. *sigh*

Rocks

http://www.gemland.com/index.html
I am ridiculously fascinated, and of my husband and I, I am certainly not the rock enthusiast.

Woman in crisis

I have a hard time telling people about me, the real, in my soul me. Right now she is struggling.

I have had a diagnosis of clinical depression since my late 20s and this has not been my most-well adjusted several months. We had some issues over the summer, but I felt like I came to grips and was doing ok until my horomones went haywire a few months back, and while I am emotionally and mentally OK with it all, the horomones have done a number on my brain chemistry. I have re-begun some meds to help me with it, and have found my brothers to be well able to carry on a rational conversation, and also to hold up their end of a few irrational conversations, about the whole thing.

I had a tear & anxiety fest at the most inopportune time - shopping for bridezilla and her bridesmaids dresses, her upset that I was not present with enough cash to buy the dress (which was a blindside, or else I would have been prepared). She has broken my heart with her reaction and I fear a permanent rift has been created. I am unable to repair it on my own.

Here is the thing. Many people still see the stigma of a chemical imbalance and think it is something I can control. Many people are stupid. Phew, that feels better.

There is no differnce than an neurotransmitter malfunction than an insulin malfunction, but people can sure make you feel like crap about it.

If I had diabetes, I would think that at least the people I have shared my condition with would so some research on how to be as supportive as possible, as I work to right myself, but more than one that I thought actually loved me have ostracized and criticized me for
1) attempting to do the right thing in spite of my anxiety and over-emotionalism ("Why would you feel trapped?")
2) avoiding other stressful situations by walking away ("Why are you so impatient?")
3) calling people on the BS of acting like I am doing it on purpose for attention (They have got to be kidding - at least you'd think so - but no, actually said to me in seriousness)
4) I must live in lala land (Did you mean you think I am crazy?)

It is hard, because the people I usually lean on are having their own worries right now, without adding mine (my poor husband, for example), and yet are more support than, oh, say my mother and sister, who I should be able to rely on more than anyone. (Yep, most of the comments came from my mother - who knows, and my sister - who to be fair, doesn't really get the details - made a crack about my sanity). If I did not have my big brother and my husband telling me my perceptions of reality are not always as wrong as I am being otherwise told, I might ACTUALLY think the others are right.

Resolved

1. To say no when I need to. No matter who gets mad at me for it.
2. To eat a small piece of dark chocolate every day. Pioneer Woman says it will help with my serotonin levels, and that would be good.
3. To get pregnant. (Tee hee hee)

These are good ones, ones I think I can keep. I need a little help for number 3, but the meaningful parties are all on board with the plan, so it is just in God's hands now.

Update:  when I made this resolution, I was already pregnant, I just did not know it yet.  :)

This year

2009. It was both a good one and a bad one.

• We started the year with a bang, with an early spring wedding and all the chaos and joy that leads up to that.
• Just before the wedding, I was notified that I was being RIFd, then pulled aside and said I was one of the few teachers not being RIFd due to the subject I teach.
• The minute I had a contract in hand, the Daddy quit his job and went back to school full time.
• We added 3 nephews and a niece to the fold.
• I switched jobs.
• The Girl started kindergarten.
• I had a family reunion with cousins I have not seen in years.
• We thought I was pregnant, then I wasn't; and the emotional ups and downs of that;
• In part resulting from the above bullet, my previously-relatively-well-handled depression returned with a vengeance and we deal with the ups and downs of that. Apparently not enough serotonin. All-righty then. Fix it!
• The Daddy accepted a new, great job and continues full-time school as well.
• We found out the Daddy's twin brother has cancer and the Daddy asked me if he could donate part of his liver (of course!).

There is lots more, but it is not all mine to tell, and even those tales that are mine, well... even the Daddy has his limits on what he is OK with me blogging about...

What a year. Where is the rest of that tequila?

Courtney's contest

I am entering! I am entering! Yay, you and Jenn!

Happy New Year!

I hope it is a great one.

Sanity

Being medicated and drinking half a bottel of tequila helps. Just saying. Even if it is just a tiny airplane-tequila bottle.

Christmas Angel

My Christmas Angel. A tree at school, an angel at Church.
The tippy-top one is her playing Mary to the little baby, Jesus.

The Daddy and the Girl

The Daddy is working on his Psych degree. Yesterday he needed a case study. By yesterday, I mean midnight last night. So, who is available to interview at midnight? Yep, me. Nice. That better not happen often. Just what I need is a psychoanalysis by my husband. Nothing good can come of that. :)

The Girl curls up with the Daddy this morning.
"How come some people don't know Santa is real?" she asks.
"I don't know."
"Don't they know if they don't believe, they won't get gifts?"
"That's a great question."
"I believe in Santa. I can hear the jingle bell ring."

Here is to believing in the magic of Christmas. Keep believing.

gratitute

1. Health insurance. It is a good thing.
2. Lazy Saturday mornings
3. Phone calls from home
4. Generous friends and students
5. Real marshmallows. (Just keeping it real) :)

Bittersweet.

So, the hubs starts a new job. I have been in my profession for 10 straight years.
My job requires a degree and ongoing schooling. His required some training and some experience at what he does.
I get paid. OK, we all know I went into teaching for the money...ha.
He gets paid. Now that's just unfair.

I love her anyway.

Super Grouch (aka the Girl) is a slow starter most mornings, and today was no exception. So as I scolded her to get moving...

"Mommy, God tells all the babies who their mommy and daddy will be before they are born."

"Really, did God tell you your mom would be a super grouch?" I tease her.

"No, He told me my mommy would be the prettiest and the nicest."

Awwwwww. Now I feel bad about the grouch comment. But just for a second.

She continues, "...I think I was supposed to go to the Katie Poolers (note: friends of ours that we've been spending quite a bit of time with). I think God made a mistake."

OUCH. Get in the car kid. Mom was not amused. Now, a few hours later, it is more funny.

Gratitude

1. I have the money to pay my bills, and some extra to put away.
2. I have a trip home planned and purchased.
3. I work with people I really like. All of them.
4. I have a husband who kisses me goodbye, even if I am still mostly asleep.
5. I have a husband who kisses me hello when he gets home every night.
6. My daughter's tree costume turned out cute. And she likes it.
7. We are all healthy (for the most part).
8. Hand-me-downs for the Girl from the most stylish 2nd and 3rd grader you ever met. Most of them still have tags.
9. A teacher who really loves my Girl.

People who have done or said something to me or for me that I am grateful for today

the Daddy, the Girl, KP, JS, DC, TG, CK, IV, DM, LL, MP, SU, JR, SA, BS, KC. All that, and I haven't really talked to that many people today.

Sometimes I just need to be grateful and not let the weenies get me down.

I got to work today upset about my sis (again) and had already spewed my frustration all out at my husband (who has a pretty great set of shoulders, by the way) and only after he let me rant and rave and said nice things to me and then hung up the phone, and then I drove all the way to work, only then did I remember that while I was whining about how rude and selfish my sister can be to me, he is worried about his brother, who has been feeling very poorly lately. I can be quite a rude, selfish weenie.

PS. I learned a new bad word today. I had to look it up - it is bad when most of the sites that define it are blocked from work computers. Ask me about it off-list. The Joys of Teaching Junior High!

Sometimes I cry

Sometimes I cry for no good reason. Sometimes I cry for lots of good reasons. Today, I cry because once again my super-sensitive feelings have been hurt by someone who seems to take joy out of provoking a reaction from me. And, compliant me, I once again provided her with the fuel to continue lighting the fire.

My poor husband does not know what to do with me. He tries, God love him, he tries.

Not me Monday

1. I did not get me some baby love yesterday. I love that little boy!
2. I did not get on the blogger at lunch. Its a rainy day, what can I say?
3. I did not forget my lunch in the kitchen counter. Ooops.
4. I did not count change to give my child Holiday House money. Some paydays take longer to get here than others... :)
5. I did not win week one of the biggest loser at work! (OH YEAH I DID!! - 7 days 4.5 pounds, including a HUGE after-Thanksgiving luncheon at school on Thursday! In spite of the tempting treats, I was SOOO good, loading up my plate with white meat and veggies, and only a sliver of apple pie!!)

The Tree

I love decorating for the holidays. I love digging out the boxes and oohing and aahing over the ornaments, carefully picking out where to place each decoration, basking in the memories and amusing myself and hopefully my family by remembering from whom each one came, and when in our lives. Most of the ornaments belong to me; I don't think one is the Daddy's, other than ones I bought for him, but I have lots from my single years... and, of course, we have acquired a few together in the last 8 years.

But that is not the tree on my mind right now, other than needing to go through the Christmas boxes for this one. This is the tree I am turning my child into for a school production. Awesome. Some green fabric I found in a box, a hoop from my skirt that I wear under my Elizabethan costumes to make it tree-shaped, some plastic ornaments and garland, some ribbon left from my wedding... and a little patience and ingenuity... and I sincerely hope she does not look ridiculous. She is already bored with trying it on as I go.

Wish me luck. :)

Nothing to say

but thanks for stopping by anyway. :)