Family

Yesterday, I recieved a text from my sister in law, checking in and sharing a bad moment.  I got a chance to call her several hours later to see how she was doing.  This is a woman most of my readers here know, but I do not know her well.  Distance has provided few opportunities to spend any time really getting to know each other.  Twin's recent illness caused her to visit and we were blessed to have the space to offer hospitality.  In crisis, some draw apart, others draw together.  There were few private moments to spend together, but those we did were very powerful. 

One morning, we were driving down the road together and she asked me about my family, I think out of politeness and general kindness.  Little did she know what a can of worms that is.  I do not know what is happening, but I am the only imperferct member of my family.  Just ask them.  Mom and I have been drifting apart and I have tried to reach out to close the gap. I own my part of the incident that started the drift, but I can't accept all of the blame, and I have been trying to do my part to fix it.  Phone calls were let go to voicemail, called were not returned until days later.  It got bad enough that the Daddy and I had to laugh, or else I would cry -- "I called my mom today."  "Did she answer?"  "Nope, voicemail on both phones. How long do you think it will take to get a call back this time?"

But I am a GDLiar. Just ask her.  She never did not answer a phone call from me.  She never waited days to call me back.  Truth is, she actually never even initiated a phone call at all until Twin passed away, and not again since .  I suggested she call my husband if she was unwilling to hear what I had to say, but that is neither here nor there, becuase she won't.   Nor is it actually part of the story, but dang I needed to vent.

Seriously, imagine your mom.  If your mom is the PTO, cookie-baking, nesting, nurturing type, that is the same mom I would have described to you 4 months ago.  What the heck??  I must be a horrible person to earn this treatment.

OK, tangent aside, back to my sister in law.  I called her on a difficult day for her to check in and see if she needed a shoulder to vent upon.  She had heard it all about my mom during her visit during that car ride.  Every suggested she made as a mother and as a daughter, I was honestly able to say I had tried.  I am dedicated to keeping the lines of communication open.  I am dedicated to maintaining my daughter's relationship with Mom as a positive one.

As SIL and I began to talk, she asked me if there had been any improvements to the situation.  I laughed and shared briefly that, no, if anything things were worse.  Remember, I had called her to see how I could help her.  She began to ask more questions and would not let me change the subject.  Interestingly, and irrelevantly, due to my Mom's age when I was born, the age gap between the Daddy and his sister, and the age gap between the Daddy and me, SIL and Mom are only 5 years apart in age. 

As we discussed the situation, she asked some questions and then she said some things I really needed to hear. 

"You know you are not responsible for her choices?"

"You know you are doing everything you can?"

"You know no one has the right to talk to you that way?"

"You know you always should be able to ask for what you need, especially from your parents?"

"You know you have the right to your feelings, and you have to acknowledge them to yourself?"

"You do know that you know your truth, no matter who says you are wrong?"

"You know you do not deserve this?"

I am tired of being the one who is disposible.  I was given away at the age of two by the people who promised my father they'd take care of me.  The man who raised me disowned me at the age of 21.  I have 2 older natural sisters, raised separately, neither of whom is interested.  My younger sister can't be bothered.  Now my mother?  Seriously?  Seriously??  I know, it totally must be me.  I am the common denominator.   

It was so wonderful to have some outside perspective, someone who cares enough to take the time to say some of the things I need to hear, and who I think is able to be relatively objective about the situation.

I really needed that.