The wife

I have lived though some difficult times, but my life is not any more or less difficult than any other average American.   Different difficulties, I guess, than some.   One of the most surreal, difficult times was when Andy was deployed overseas.  

I got -we got- through it and continued our lives - our life together. In no way will I ever compare waiting at home to putting his life on the line - in ways I still, and probably will ever, comprehend. 

However, I am also a sappy emotive ball

of mush on occasion. And as I sit here in the middle of the night, watching a "eh" movie set in.... Yep, just exactly where he spent so much of that time, wondering why on earth I am watching this - and happen to be folding his army t-shirts - and my heart leaps out my eyeballs and the tear stream down. 

What the heck?? Seriously.  And I think of the two years I spent with the wives of his fellow soldiers, remembering a few 2 am phone calls with other women who just... Understood.  Women who were also occasionally - always - just a little bit scared - and sometimes more than a little bit.  And lonely. And worried.  And each of them as strong as any person I have ever met. 

We spent the better part of 2 years together, these women and me.   We helped each other with our children, with information, with emotional support.  We spent holidays together, especially those of us otherwise geographically isolated from family.   We stayed in each others homes, we went out for "girls night," we stood next to each other until our soldiers came home. We cheered for each other as our soldiers came home on leave, and cried for each other when they left again. And we stood there, together, waiting for them to get off the last plane. 

Not all of our marriages survived. Not all of our men are still soldiers. Not any of them came home the same man that left - and not any of them came home to the same wife they left behind.  What they experienced changed them. Imprinted them.   As did our own experience. 

It has been a while

Its been a while.

I have a lot to say and have kept it to myself for a while, because... well, because.  Others have more tragedy, more stress, more work, more need, and I start to feel a little ungrateful for what I do have.

I haven't shared beyond a few people.   And so out to the ether world I purge.

We were pregnant.  Now we aren't.  It's been a few months and I was ok.  Now I am not.

I am old.  This was a surprise.  We were happy.  And then it was over.  A brief flicker, a heartbeat under my own and a lot of of excitement.  The last one.  One more to complete an already perfect set.  We already had the minivan to make it all work.  Maybe a boy but four girls would be amazing too.  To be honest, it rejuvenated a marriage that was needing some shine.

But I am old, fertility wise.  We could try again, but after 3 miscarriages and 3 term pregnancies, I am tired.   I was not sure I wanted another until we were surprised by it.  Oh, my heart, how I wanted it, him, her.   But now I am not interestd to try again and w

Even when we were scared that I was miscarrying, it stopped.  The heartbeat was strong and fast.  The measurements were good.  But there was something not quiet right on the spinal pole.  There were questions, and we were warned to be ready for the worst.  But it hadn't happened yet.  And so, hope.

We went home, I kept my feet up, couldn't lift my babies, but I held them in my arms.

But

But

But when we went went for follow up, there was not a heartbeat.  God's plan, ok.  Old eggs, and old maternal DNA and high risk pregnancy be damned.    I didn't care.   I was sad.  But I was ok, I knew in my head and was braced for the worst

But

But

But

I have had three really really really really hard times in my life that almost did me in.
A few months after my first miscarriage.  It almost ended my relationship with my husband.
A few months after my second miscarriage, I started crying one day and couldn't stop. Happened to be the day we were trying on dresses for my sisters wedding.  She hasn't forgiven or extended grace yet, and for that... well, forgiveness for what she did to me is not in my heart right now either. I lost a baby and sister.   And I am mad about it.

And now.  Oh dear God right now.  It feels like if I survive with my life intact it will be astonishing.
I know it is hormonal.  I know it is grief and age and horomones, and depression and anxiety and mourning and grief and horomones and horomones and horomones and I am absolutely frozen and overwhelmed and my eyes... Dammit, but my students think I have the world's worst contact lenses that keep making my eyes water.  I have them convinced... allergies.

I am coming apart at the seams.  Appointment made for better living through chemistry. But for the love of God, world please grant me some grace to get through this.

And no, there is nothing you can do but pray for healing. I probably don't even want to be asked, but even that decision is too hard to make.

Health nuts

Well, we have spent a ridiculous amount trying to look better and lose weight, only to put it right back on.

So this time I am working on life changes for all of us. I no longer cook with leftovers planned - I cook only what we each actually eat. If someone is unusually hungry, they get an extra portion of fruit of veggies. All snacks ant treats are carefully planned with nutrition as a primary consideration. We still have pretzels and goldfish, but not Cheetos. We have peanut butter cookies (homemade and low sugar). We have no soda. We drink lots of milk and water. Each of the children gets one serving of juice a day. Period.

I have been limiting cereal, instead making healthy grab and go oatmeal muffins of health nut breakfast cookies - or peanut butter on wheat toast. We are wild that way some mornings...

Everything has been done with an eye to healthy portions and single servings as we retrain our eyes to what a healthy portion actually is.

On occasion, I will make a double batch of dinner - but in two separate dishes, with the extra one put away before dinner even starts.

We are trying. We are doing better. Wish us luck!!!

Oh dear God in Heaven

I have not been on here in a while, but just now, I need to pour this out of me but don't know just where to go or which way to turn. And so I pour it out here in hopes of a moment of... I don't know what...


My God,
My daughter is 8. Her 8 year old friend has just been victimized by a sexual predator. He is at this moment in jail. Please help me to know what to say to the child and her parents. Please help me to be a support.

Please help me know know what to say to my own daughter.

And than you God, for keeping my daughter safe, as she knows the abuser too.

My God in Heaven.
As tears roll down my face.

And 6 weeks

And Wednesday is 6 weeks for Manna

2 years

T turns 2 this week. I am not sure where that time went...

Heart stopping words

I read with amazement my sisters blog, Who Knew.  Such a talented writer, with some of her prose calling a need in me to find my way across the miles to see her soon.  I should.  You find out late in life that those most valuable to you are those whom you too often leave on the edges of your life. I read quite a bit of her notes, and got lost in her “things to be thankful for” posts.  It is a tender person who can look at everyday moments and put them into the soul’s hope chest.  I wonder if she knows how rich her life is, how grateful her older brother is of the man she placed her aspirations, the beauty her family sees in the colorful tales of her children, and joy of three daughters (one is on her way in the next day!).  I wonder if she knows I will forever be jealous of her.  She is the creator of three angelic girls and I, of three boys.

When I read these words my brother wrote about me, tears poured down my cheeks.  I had no idea he felt that way, nor that he was willing verbalize those feelings so eloquently.  I hope he doesn't mind I posted them here, where I have some say in saving them and holding them close to my heart.

Not for the children

Spoiler alert:  make sure no one under their teen years is reading over your shoulder

Updates of the last few months?  Nah, I will just go with what is in my heart and on my mind, so prepare for the random.

- I rest my hands on my 40 week pregnant belly as I write and cherish the last few day or hours of protecting and growing my 3rd baby under my heart, within my own body, as I feel her stretch and roll.

-I cherish watching my oldest grow in her independence as she starts 3rd grade...  How could that be already??

- Our 2nd child is going to struggle with new baby.  She is blossoming in her language and independence.  She may be the Tomboy Daddy hopes for. She is also amazingly empathetic, patting my check and asking if I am ok.

My big asked me flat out for the truth about Christmas presents and Easter eggs. My heart broke as I dodged the question.  I was not ready.  I talked with the daddy late that night about how to handle this.  I won't lie to my children.  She asked SPECIFICALLY for me to tell the truth, as her friends at school were talking about it... We didn't think "what do you think" would cut it this time.  I didn't want her to be humiliated in front of her friends if she insisted, and then found out she was wrong. So, when we were alone, I brought it up, tried not to panic (or cry) and told her the truth.  She was quiet. And a little sad, I think.  I swore her into the Helpers club, made her raise her right hand and made her a full- fledged member of the helpers, and to keeping the secret - she promised never to tell the truth to anyone but her own children when she was the mommy - not sisters, cousins, friends.  We even rehearsed appropriate responses if one of them asks her.  She asked who else was in the club, And I said, you never know, so you can't talk about it... But told her mommy and daddy for sure... So she asked how I found out... And told her my mom was in the club too.  So, we pulled into the drive, got out with both our hearts a little broken, but proud of my growing-up girl.  And she rushed in to pull her dad aside to tell him she was in the club, while I pulled grandma aside to warn her...

We discussed that she learned three things:
1.   the answer to her question
2.  That I will always tell her the truth
3.   That you be sure you want the answer before you ask the question.   She kinda laughed... And said "I am so not asking about the tooth fairy for a few years!"

The timing - my big is maturing so quickly as my littlest is waiting to be born...Sigh.

Love,
Me

I havent posted in a while... And this post is more of a promise to myself to find some time soon- however with masters courses and end of year Evals fast approaching, time is at a premium around here. Not to mention I tired all the time and chasing 2 active kids all the time! But my girls are going through do many changes I and it is on myind to chronicle them here!

Lots of love to all in the meantime -- see you real soon

Sleep eludes me

Damn you Ben, inventor of pinterest!

All my bags are packed, I am leaving (tomorrow)

Vacation, vacation vacation.  Road trip, road trip, road trip.  And my name is nowhere on the rental agreement, so not only to I not have to drive, I am not allowed to drive!!  And granny-driver, aka, my hubs, is also not allowed!  HAHA.

We are headed to the Giant Sequoias in California.  Which is not the same as the Giant Redwoods - although they are redwoods...???  Whatever, on is in Northern Cali, the one we are headed for is in central eastern Cali and has the biggest tree in the world.  Which is older than Jesus.  Literally.  Lil A's mouth dropped when she figured that out!! My dad and stepmother are here and rented the biggest Suv I have ever seen and we are off in the morning!  Today has been a fury of errands and packing, but for the first, and perhaps only, time ever, the Daddy was ready well before the deadline.  Go Grandpa!  The pressure is subtle, but there.  (He is also who got Andy to the Chruch on time, but that is another story).

It is only a 9 hr drive, but with the (almost!) 10 month old, we are wary of the trip, so we are planning on 2 days of driving each way, with a fun, relaxing hotel-pool adventure each evening... So I was tasked with figuring out a fun place to stop on the way home, and as I looked at a map, noticed our route takes us right past Anaheim.... so... made a few phone calls, and YES!  we are surprising the littles with a trip to Disney!  Well, Alex anyway, since Tori won't actually care! We got SMOKING prices on a 3 day park-hopper pass at the base -- Disney is very military friendly - so yay!  A fun nature trip, right up the Daddy's alley, and a fun Disney trip for the kids - and my dad is here.  I am one happy girl!

crazy busy

Life is crazy.  With the Daddy on an extended out-of-town trip life always gets more interesting. All of my own work has to happen after bedtime for the kids.  Add to that a suspended (major) landscaping project waiting for his return - and limiting backyard play... just consider the normal chaos of a toddler and a 7 year old...both of whom are sick.  The grading period just ended and parent teacher conferences are this week... Midterms mean adding 2 research papers to the normal graduate class workload.  A student teacher means my responsibility at work changes, just when I felt I was finally in a groove.  I know this too shall pass... but right now, with zero time for myself, I just keeping chipping away at the work and have faith that somehow it will all work out...

fall on the surface of the sun

As the temperatures dip toward the seventies  and we live with the doors and windows open, as I hear the voices cheering for favorite football teams in the next room, the pumpkins grow (dangerously slowly) on the vine... As lil A plays outside every available minute and the pistache tree turns a beautiful red... as I stop dreading turning on the oven and actually enjoy baking in the morning, and enjoy the side benefit of taking the nip out of the air in the house...and because our garden season is opposite most of the civilised world, my flowers bloom and flourish...

I love the fall.

the blogger

It makes me smile to see others post about being in a slump when it comes to the blog. I relate! It is amazing how many times I sit down to write, but can't think of anything witty or clever to say.  And then I remember I am not here to entertain, but to have some record of who I am.  I want to be able to look back at the record of my life and loves, and there are melancholy days that I sit with tears running down my face as I alternately laugh and cry at what I read about me.

I am in process of... what?  I am not sure today, but I am definitely in process.  I am working on me and there are moments of petty that I am not proud of, so that is my current work.  How do I adjust so that not only does the petty not erupt out of my mouth, but also so that the petty stays out of my head?  There are people and situations that just make me want to send a snide text or email ot wall post in response to anything they put out there.  It is awful and it is shameful.  So, that is my shameful little secret for today, and I hope you are all shocked that it could be true, but it is.  I can be extremely petty.  There you have it.

****
While I am on the subject, I ought to spill my other secrets:
1.  I pour out the left over coffee and then pretend ignorance.  He likes to brew a full pot and if he does not drink it all today, will reheat it tomorrow.  Gross.  I dump it more often than I admit.
2.  I let my child watch way too much TV
3.  I resent having to pay the bills, but do not trust him to do it right.  (That is, my way).
4.  I signed up for mommy-and-me swim lessons because it was too hot on the side of the pool for Tori.  But also for me.  At least 50% for me. 
5.  I blame my husband for the untidiness of the house.  But as I look around, a lot of the stacks are mine. 
6.  I don't like anyone to touch me when it is above 100 degrees. Seriously.  Anyone.  I suck it up and try not to let them know, but this Arizona mama and wife is sometimes gritting her teeth.  Seriously, it is 115 degress outside and you want to sit RIGHT NEXT TO ME???  There is a chair over there, you know...  I changed that.  It originally said 90.  Ok, I am lying.  It said 80.  But 100 sounds nicer, or at least less mean, right?
7.  But my deepest darkest secret (that I am willing to divulge right now): Sometimes I sneak out at night for ice cream. In fact, I think I might in just a few minutes.



Shhh.  Don't tell.
love
me

the small things

• the quick grin on the baby's face when I come to pick her up when she awakens
• the way she stops crying when I call, "I hear you, here I come!"
• when my husband gets a gentle grin and says, "You are the best kisser!"
• the way the big girl wants so much to be older:  "Mom, do I look like a teenager?" (Heaven help me!)
• daddy-daughter days-out
• midnight walks (in the back yard)
• friends that have stood the test of time and distance
• the sound of laughter as my daughter plays with cousins she barely knows - but they are instant "BFFs" anyway
• the confidence of my little superstar as she asks, "Can I be the radio tonight?"

It is the small things that make my life worth living. 

2 new tori pics

A strike of sorts

Walked in the house yesterday.  Which smelled like something died in it.  I dropped my purse, put down the baby and headed for the kitchen.  I took out the trash immediately, but that was not it.  No, it was the science project that in your home, is more commonly known as the kitchen sink.  In my home, it is a battle ground.  Not that I realized this at the time, but you will understand if you read on. 

I Was Furious.  Did he really not know the house smelled that bad?
(Yes)

Did he not care?
(Yes, he did)

Why did he not wash the dishes?
(Because I needed to learn something)

EXCUSE ME? 
Yes, that is right.  The dishes were not done, because then there would just be more. 
Welcome to adulthood, friend.
But, wait!  there is more!
If he did the dishes, then I would never learn how many dishes lil A and I use in a day.

PARDON ME, CARE TO REPHRASE?
Really? You were schooling me?? You thought you needed to teach me a lesson instead of having an adult conversation with me? I think my head actually did explode at that point.  I am positive Alex took one look at me and backed out of the room.  Did he notice?  Oh, no, he kept doggedly on and took the opportunity to share with me my inadequacies as a disciplinarian.  (Which is apparently somehow related to how many dishes darling  daughter is allowed to dirty in one day).

Thank you dear.  The job is all yours.  For one week, you get to do it all.  "Ask your dad" is my new refrain.  This particular deal, which he seemed so smug about at first, comes complete with the before-school battles over getting up and dressed, what to eat, what goes in lunches, getting out the door on time (AKA, Hell-hour at our house).  Solo-parenting also comes with being in charge of enforcing chores, meals, snacks (or not) and the accompany refusals, tantrums, and so on...  We are on the end of the first complete day.  She, in beautiful justice, was in her most stubborn glory today.  There were plenty of opportunities to try out Daddy's Ideal Discipline (Which Is Much Better Than Mommy's Method) Routine. 

I promised my support (after an extensive shop-therapy poor-me party resulting in 4 new outfits and a garden tiller) as well as my non-direct involvement - by which I meant, I would respond to any direct request he made for my input (which happened at 6:34 AM, much to my smug surprise... I never said I was not hoping he would have to admit he needed my help), but would not interfere or undermine any decision he made.  (Which he says I do, in addition to being too easy on my child and not consistant enough. 

So, the week begins.  Either she shapes up and he is right (in which case, we all win) or nothing really changes, in which case I am not wrong --- this deal is a win-win for me. 

So here we are.  And I am on a mini strike.  No disciplining for me this week.  I may just sit back with a glass of wine and watch.

i would post some pictures

but I am really kind of a tease....  j/k.  Actually I am on Andy's laptop since my computer is making me CRAZY.  I may be getting a laptop for a belated bday/mothers day gift.  If I hinted well enough.  We shall see.  

Life has been insane, but in review:
Alex's 7th birthday was a hoot.  She is so proud to be 7!  We had a family party at her favorite restuarant, a tradition since 2006...  we also planned a birthday party at the drive-in only to be rained out!  Unbelievable!  So we rescheduled and had a grand old time the following weekend, minus a few friends who could not make the change work.  However, we went out on the original party date for my birthday instead, and let Alex choose a friend to come as a consolation.  We went to a teppanyaki place and it was wonderful!  When I get back on the other computer, I will add some pictures. 

Yep, I turned another year older myself.  Funny, everytime someone asked me last year how old I was, I mistakenly told them 37.  I was lying.  Not on purpose, mind you.  But now I really am, so it was like not even getting older at all!

I finished a major project at work and will get paid less next year to do more work as a result! Go teaching in this crazy day and age!   However, there are only 18 day s of school left, so that is pretty much awesome.

Planning some trips - one home to see my nephew who, is like - 5.  And graduating from high school.  How can it be?  and maybe to see some family up north if schedules work out.  Who wants some houseguests?  and then Andy is off for a month of classes out of state.  We may go too, for at least part.  It is only money, right?  Then my dad and stepmother are coming to town and taking us to see the giant sequoia trees, which I thought was the redforest forest but apparently I should stop teaching science.  at least the trees part.    :)  And then school starts up again.  Sigh.

And I am not pregnant.  Whatever.  HAHA.  That made you blink twice.  But it would be ok if I was... We have been having all these conversations lately about names and bunkbeds... and I almost bought 4 coordinating easter baskets just so I would have them.  But I resisted the temptation.  aren't you proud?

we emptied out S's storage unit and that was the last chore to be done.  But now my living room is wall to wall furniture - a buffet that he had his aquariums on, 2 dressers, one made by Andy's grandfather, and well, you know that red lazyboy has not made it to the goodwill store yet.  My husband, the saver.  Oh well, eventually I will have a useable space... but not today.

we both went on a diet.  Any has lost all but 5 pounds of his goal in 2 months.  I have lost 10 and gained 3 back.  seriously.  grrrrrrrrrrrr.  I may get the surgery at some point, but it scares me to do before I am done having babies.  And as previously mentioned, I am not done.  And then my excuse will be that I will have no elective surgerys until my children are grown... then I will ahve grandchildren.  SWEET!  the excuses are all lined up.  Back to counting points!

My baby

 No, not this one.  She is pretty new still.  We are still getting to know this one.

 I am talking about this one.

 The one who made us parents.

 Tee hee hee. 

Dearest A,

My love

My sensitive

brilliant

talented

confident

show-woman.

My singer

dancer

actor.

My helper

My cuddler

My animal lover

My nature girl

My passionate

compassionate

darling

daughter.

You are 7.

Where did the years go?

You are so big.

So bold.

Already bursting to grow up.

But still needing a bandaid

on every bruise and bump.

You are independent.

And still need me.

You still want your friends to see you

hug me.

It won't last.

So I drink in the moments.

I savor your kisses,

your tantrums

your apologies

your raised eyebrows.

Your jokes.

Your notes.

Your stories.

Your love.

Your childhood.

I was blessed the day I found out you existed, and I have been more blessed every day since. 

My daughter, I love you more than life.

I love

You.

really, i love my life

that being said...
HOLY COW my life has been busy lately.

Tori is turning 6 months already this week!  Where did that time go???  She is about ready to crawl, and I swear she said MAMA today.  I know it is just the sounds she was making, but I got all excited.  God bless my husband for just sitting back with a smile on his face.

Speaking of the Daddy, we are both dieting.  Rather, he is dieting and I am making a "life-style change."  It sure feels like a diet though.  I am a yo-yo "life-style changer" but this time, I am feeling good about it.  I have two precious daughters that need a mama that is healthy and full of energy.  I am having a hard time balancing the amount of calories I need to continue making sufficient milk for my nursing baby and still losing weight, but I am getting there. (It helps that she is only half nursing now, as she also tucks away 3 jars of babyfood a day now!)  But I noticed a new pattern to my grocery shopping.  I have not hit those middle-packaged-food aisles in a month, and I am down 10 pounds.  (He is down almost 25.  He is such a...a.... MAN! grrrr).  We have started taking advantage of BountifulBaskets.org and my fridge has never been so green.  And since I have it, I can't let it go to waste!  I also have learned that mangos and asparagus are delicious.  Who knew??? (HAHA that is the title!).  If there is a Bountiful Baskets site near you, you should give this a try!   I have so much produce that I have started making my own babyfood.  Yeah, I am turning into that mom.  (Not).

The big girl is "Student of the Month," so nominated by her gifted class teacher for her generosity of spirit and kindness.  Yeah, this mama may just burst with pride.  She doesn't know it yet.

She wrote a letter to her grandpa tonight that looks like a 10 year old wrote it.  I honestly thought she had a paper written by someone else that she was pretending was her own until I looked closely.  Yeah, there is that pride thing again.

I have a heart full tonight and I almost burst with the love for my family. There are times I am so full of them that I feel I may burst into tears.  I don't know if other wives worry if they are good enough for their husbands, if they show them enough love, but I do.  Or if other mothers wonder if the love they shower on thier children is enough to see those children through the hard times, or if their hearts break just a little as their children grow - that burst of pride coincides relatively often with a little break in my heart... but I do worry and wonder.  I am so full.  My life is so rich. 

I am so blessed.  I hope you feel blessed tonight too.
With love and gratitude
CC