She has a name.
She looks great on ultrasound.
We need to decide on sleeping arrangements (and I finally got to toss one of Daddy's favorite lines back at him - "I am not asking your permission, I am just asking your opinion." Response: "(grin) Fair enough!")
She is creating a hard little lump in the middle of my abdomen - no more stonach sleeping for me.
I can't wait to meet her. :)
April 29, 2010
April 26, 2010
A girl!
- A sister for the big Girl, for which she was fervently praying.
- The Daddy can still say "my girls," which I love. As in, "I have to get home to my girls."
- We saved everything the big Girl ever wore or played with (or had it returned if it was still wearable when her cousin out-grew it)
- Sisters can share a room easily
- Said room can remain girlie-girl
April 21, 2010
This morning, the Girl - just turned 6 - tells me that 3 times 3 is 6. I explain that 3x3 is actually 9, and why. A split second passed.
“Then 3x4 is 12.”
Yes, yes it is. What is 3x5?
“Let me think... 15.”
We went on to 2x2, 2x3 (at which point she informs me that 3x2 and 2x3 are the same thing), and so on.
Really? She counts addition problems by making dots on her homework, but can multiply in her head???
“Then 3x4 is 12.”
Yes, yes it is. What is 3x5?
“Let me think... 15.”
We went on to 2x2, 2x3 (at which point she informs me that 3x2 and 2x3 are the same thing), and so on.
Really? She counts addition problems by making dots on her homework, but can multiply in her head???
April 20, 2010
public or private
i am having a bit of an internal debate on whether to keep this public or private. it is not like strangers are dropping by (that I know of), but considering my profession, i need to be a little leary. I think I will close up again, so leave a comment or email me if you want access.
thanks
thanks
April 19, 2010
A soldier's wife
We spent the weekend at the on-post hotel where the Daddy works the occasional weekend, since we had a military Family Day to attend on Sunday. I particularly wanted to attend the morning meeting with his CO, since spouses were particularly requested to attend.
And at which we got the official (current - it will probably change) timeline for the Daddy's next deployment.
A year and a half.
From now.
He will be leaving for Iraq.
He is excited.
That is hard to hear, but makes me so proud at the same time.
I am not so excited. But I will not share that with him. Since I am sure he already knows.
Last time, he was gone a year and a half.
This time is supposed to be shorter - closer to 12 when it is all said and done.
That is still a LOOOOONNNG time.
A long scary time. I am already having bad dreams.
But it is a part of who he is. He has a need to serve in that way. I married him knowing we would likely have this to look forward to.
We have been through this before and I know we can do it again.
And at which we got the official (current - it will probably change) timeline for the Daddy's next deployment.
A year and a half.
From now.
He will be leaving for Iraq.
He is excited.
That is hard to hear, but makes me so proud at the same time.
I am not so excited. But I will not share that with him. Since I am sure he already knows.
Last time, he was gone a year and a half.
This time is supposed to be shorter - closer to 12 when it is all said and done.
That is still a LOOOOONNNG time.
A long scary time. I am already having bad dreams.
But it is a part of who he is. He has a need to serve in that way. I married him knowing we would likely have this to look forward to.
We have been through this before and I know we can do it again.
April 15, 2010
trees
I bought my husband an early Father's Day/late Anniversary gift. It counts for both, since it blew my budget. I got him a BIG tree. A 36 inch box tree - Australian Bottle Tree. It is shaped like--- you guessed it, a bottle. Tall and slender. Then he and I had to figure out how to get it into the ground. Yeah, preggo me, with a weight restriction of no more than 30 pounds, and him with ongoing back problems. But we did it. Sat on my butt and pushed with my feet while he bore all the weight of the tree itself. And its roots. And dirt. So awkward, but we make quite the team.
For my birthday, he got me a climbing rose bush, and an Apple tree. Are you sensing a trend? But how excited am I that he picked two of my favorite things? The Apple already has two small apples growing on it, and we'll probably let those two ripen but pinch of the rest this season, and maybe next, but what fun will it be to tell the kids to go outside and pick an apple to put in their lunch for school? Girl already eats her tomoatoes as fast as they turn red on the vine, so we never have any extra. Time to get the rest of my veggies in the ground, but I need to wait until Daddy gets his planting done so decisions can be made on location...
For my birthday, he got me a climbing rose bush, and an Apple tree. Are you sensing a trend? But how excited am I that he picked two of my favorite things? The Apple already has two small apples growing on it, and we'll probably let those two ripen but pinch of the rest this season, and maybe next, but what fun will it be to tell the kids to go outside and pick an apple to put in their lunch for school? Girl already eats her tomoatoes as fast as they turn red on the vine, so we never have any extra. Time to get the rest of my veggies in the ground, but I need to wait until Daddy gets his planting done so decisions can be made on location...
April 14, 2010
kicking
Well, I have been feeling flutters for a few weeks, if I am really still and lay on my side, I know there is some swimming going on in my tummy. I am at just over 4 months (almost 1/2 way!!) and I know it is early, but I felt the Girl around the same time. Little butterfly flutters and the occasional larger "roll". Daddy has been humoring me by placing his hand on my tummy... but last night he felt one of the 3 that I felt while he patiently kept his hand on my growing belly. The Girl tried later, and she "felt it, Mommy!" even though I felt nothing. Wishful thinking for her. Wait til she can sit across the room and watch my belly roll in a few months!
The month of our marriage, moths to a flame
I wrote this last month, but never published it... Here you go.
So, we were dating. It was...interesting. And lovely. And interesting. We enjoyed many of the same things. But we definitely prioritized differently. Friends were more important than relationships for him and more than once I felt let down and embarassed when he would be late because he and his friends lost track of time. I began to be kind of a nag, I admit it. That is not fun. For either of us. So, we stopped dating. Sort of. Time and again we would end up back together. Nothing official, but like moths to a flame, we both continued to be drawn in, even at times when the relationship was not the best one for either of us. You know the show Friends? Well, we are the real-life versions of Ross and Rachel. Friends, in love, friends, on a break, seeing other people, together but secretively, living together, parents together, living apart, on a break, friends, in love again, living together, and finally married. It was a long, bumpy road, and more than once, one of us or the other would throw in the towel. Enough. It was just too hard. It was not supposed to be that hard. At one time, he said this was the most dysfunctional relationship he had ever been in. He was probably right - then. But, the reality is that the path that led us here - including the heartbreak, the hurt, the confusion, the fear, was as meaningful - if much less enjoyable - part of the journey as the good parts -- of which there have been so very many. Without them, neither of us would be the spouse we are today. We fight. Like crazy sometimes. But it is funny how those fights have changed. The arguments are about stuff and situations, not about each other. They are arguments within a secure confines that divorce is not an option. Leaving is not a threat. "We are through" is not a possibility. It is safe to say what I mean, what I need, what I want... and know that I am heard - with as little defensiveness as possible.
For him, marriage changed the relationship. It became different for him. Attitudes about me, about family, all shifted into a different mode. I do not understand the difference for him. Why the word "wife" means something so wholely different than girlfriend or even fiancee. But I like the difference. It results in a whole difference for me - a better level of trust and security. A lack of fear. A confidence in him that I was unable to have before. A lack of wondering.
Had we been married in the beginning, I have no doubt we'd be one of those couples who married and divorced quickly, and made their friends shake their heads in disbelief as we dated after the divorce. Because he is it for me. All the times one of us walked away - and we both did our fair share - we were always drawn back. We share a child - now two. Contact between us would always have been a given. But we were drawn to each other, not just to her.
We are at 8 years together, just starting our life as a married couple. At the point at which you hear about the "seven-year itch", we are strong in our committment to each other, drawing together at that time marker in a relationship when many begin to pull apart.
Do I expect it to be perfect? Of course not. And we are not. He is still always late. I am still something of a nag. There are still character flaws that we both tiptoe around, and ones we acknowledge privately but choose to ignore. But we have been through the big crises. The REALLY BIG ONES. And we have come out the other end even more ready to commit our lives to each other. We know how to deal with Hell and High Water. We have already been there, done that. I know it will happen again - all marriages face times of crisis, and ours will be no exception. But we will survive. We already have.
I love him.
So, we were dating. It was...interesting. And lovely. And interesting. We enjoyed many of the same things. But we definitely prioritized differently. Friends were more important than relationships for him and more than once I felt let down and embarassed when he would be late because he and his friends lost track of time. I began to be kind of a nag, I admit it. That is not fun. For either of us. So, we stopped dating. Sort of. Time and again we would end up back together. Nothing official, but like moths to a flame, we both continued to be drawn in, even at times when the relationship was not the best one for either of us. You know the show Friends? Well, we are the real-life versions of Ross and Rachel. Friends, in love, friends, on a break, seeing other people, together but secretively, living together, parents together, living apart, on a break, friends, in love again, living together, and finally married. It was a long, bumpy road, and more than once, one of us or the other would throw in the towel. Enough. It was just too hard. It was not supposed to be that hard. At one time, he said this was the most dysfunctional relationship he had ever been in. He was probably right - then. But, the reality is that the path that led us here - including the heartbreak, the hurt, the confusion, the fear, was as meaningful - if much less enjoyable - part of the journey as the good parts -- of which there have been so very many. Without them, neither of us would be the spouse we are today. We fight. Like crazy sometimes. But it is funny how those fights have changed. The arguments are about stuff and situations, not about each other. They are arguments within a secure confines that divorce is not an option. Leaving is not a threat. "We are through" is not a possibility. It is safe to say what I mean, what I need, what I want... and know that I am heard - with as little defensiveness as possible.
For him, marriage changed the relationship. It became different for him. Attitudes about me, about family, all shifted into a different mode. I do not understand the difference for him. Why the word "wife" means something so wholely different than girlfriend or even fiancee. But I like the difference. It results in a whole difference for me - a better level of trust and security. A lack of fear. A confidence in him that I was unable to have before. A lack of wondering.
Had we been married in the beginning, I have no doubt we'd be one of those couples who married and divorced quickly, and made their friends shake their heads in disbelief as we dated after the divorce. Because he is it for me. All the times one of us walked away - and we both did our fair share - we were always drawn back. We share a child - now two. Contact between us would always have been a given. But we were drawn to each other, not just to her.
We are at 8 years together, just starting our life as a married couple. At the point at which you hear about the "seven-year itch", we are strong in our committment to each other, drawing together at that time marker in a relationship when many begin to pull apart.
Do I expect it to be perfect? Of course not. And we are not. He is still always late. I am still something of a nag. There are still character flaws that we both tiptoe around, and ones we acknowledge privately but choose to ignore. But we have been through the big crises. The REALLY BIG ONES. And we have come out the other end even more ready to commit our lives to each other. We know how to deal with Hell and High Water. We have already been there, done that. I know it will happen again - all marriages face times of crisis, and ours will be no exception. But we will survive. We already have.
I love him.
April 12, 2010
Assorted thoughts and ideas...
1. Did not want to go to work to day.
2. My plastic adjustor clip on the strap on my bra-tank-top thingy broke, so it is stabbing me. My friend wrapped duct tape around it. Better now.
3. Apparently I am going to need to file a tax extension, because we need lots of new documentation this year that I will need to compile, but did not know about.
4. There is nothing like working on a house project together to learn new things about your spouse. Try it.
5. Am an expert procrastinator. Ask me about it. I will tell you later.
6. My rice was simultaneously mushy and burnt last night. How can this happen?
7. I want to go home now.
8. :)
2. My plastic adjustor clip on the strap on my bra-tank-top thingy broke, so it is stabbing me. My friend wrapped duct tape around it. Better now.
3. Apparently I am going to need to file a tax extension, because we need lots of new documentation this year that I will need to compile, but did not know about.
4. There is nothing like working on a house project together to learn new things about your spouse. Try it.
5. Am an expert procrastinator. Ask me about it. I will tell you later.
6. My rice was simultaneously mushy and burnt last night. How can this happen?
7. I want to go home now.
8. :)
April 5, 2010
Quite the weekend, random memories of the Girl's birth
Friday, I mentioned to the school secretary that my science classes would be spending the day in 'the Habitat', which is two acres on the school grounds, containing an enclosed desert habitat, as well as a pond containing endangered fish that that some how has become my responsibilty...my boss overheard and asked if she could do my professional observation and eval during my class out there - no pressure... but it all went well, and my eval was great.
We had dinner at my in-laws, and got a chance to visit with the Daddy's aunt and cousin (and her family) in from Colorado. The Girl got to play with her second cousins? cousins once removed? I don't know - Daddy's cousin's children. We got home in time for me to hard boil some eggs to dye, and read story and crash into bed.
Update: Because I am anal about these things... I looked it up: The children were the Daddy's First Cousins, Once Removed, (because they are one generation "removed" from first cousins - the children of his first cousin) but that makes them the Girls' Second Cousins (share great-grandparents, but not grandparents). That may make them my First-Cousins-Once-Removed-In-Law, but we may be on the edge of ridiculous... Don't you feel better now?
Saturday, we had a landscape delivery, so my hubs has some BIG holes to dig today in the backyard so we can get our trees in the ground. I took the Girl to an Easter-egg hunt at church, then dropped her off at home, ran to the store for birthday presents (in my rush, got the wrong size shorts and didn't notice until she tried to put them on this morning!).
Home in time to dye easter eggs, change my clothes and comb my hair, then off to the Daddy's other cousin's wedding. It was lovely! The Girl caught the bouquet, effectively earning me a glare from the Daddy. (She is not to do that again until she is 13, he says). She ran around afterward singing "I'm a Single Lady" by Beyonce. I won a centerpiece of lucky bamboo, but most important, Daddy's cousin and friend married his best friend and they looked so happy! The Grandpa teared up watching the little cousins all play like Daddy and his cousins did when they were little, and everyone got a bit emotional thinking of the Twin. Got home in time to put the girl to bed at a reasonable time (sort of), fell asleep, and woke up in a panic with the Daddy shaking me to remind me the Easter bunny would need to come soon, and we had gifts to wrap. By the way, these types of responsibilities invariably fall on me.
7AM Sunday morning, and the Girl was up 30 minutes earlier than she was allowed to wake us, but it was an emergency! So I made her close her eyes and walked her to the bathroom, while I made sure that the Easter bunny had left everything ready-to-go, and started the coffee. She woke Daddy, camera was ready, and so was she. Easter-eggs hunts are a hoot. This is the first year she got to find real eggs instead of waiting for her cousin to arrive and hunting for plastic ones, and she did need a few hints... I taught her how to peel a boiled egg, and she liked it, except the yucky yellow. Oh well. :)
Daddy was a little aggravated that the Easter bunny brought his favorite candy for him too, but he couldn't get left out! We shared some quiet reflection on the meaning(s) of the day - Daddy cannot handle the large crowds and pure volume of Easter Sunday church service - last year he had to walk out and sit outside until the service was over, so we decided to forego in deference to his anxiety this year.
The girl opened some gifts - it was her birthday, too!- and we went out to lunch at Steakhouse - her choice, every year! We came home in time to feel the earthquake - my first one - I thought I was just pregnant-dizzy! (Neither Daddy nor I realized what was going on until we compared notes this morning after I watched the news.) We both decided to lay down - and we both think we had mild food-poisoning from the steak. :( After a quick nap, we cleaned the house, and finished just in time to greet the in-laws and cousins for a birthday party/Easter gathering for dessert - chocolate eggs, jelly beans, and ice cream cake. Life is good...
Can it really be that my baby is actually 6 years old? My little girl, who wore my socks this morning because she couldn't find her own - and they fit!!!
Can it really be that 6 years ago today I was in complete panic mode as I learned I would have to be completely sedated while they removed my ruptured gall-bladder? That I had to acknowledge that sometimes, albeit rarely, people do not wake up from anesthesia? That I had to agree to take that chance - leaving my brand new baby to head down to the OR - because otherwise I would likely die of infection eventually? That I wept from joy as I realized I was awake and could hold her in my arms? That afterward, I painfully pumped the milk from my breasts that would contained enough anesthesia that it would have poisoned my baby, and watched her daddy feed her formula from a bottle as they threw my milk away (in a hazardous waste container!).
We stayed in the maternity ward until it was safe for me to go home, and the day we were to go, we - the Girl and I - had to wait while the Daddy drove around with our friend looking for a fireman to approve his installation of the car seat (I may need to do that early this time!).
Other Random thoughts on her birth:
1. I remember very little detail, and have to ask the Daddy most details - time, weight, etc.
2. My labor was 40 hours.
3. I wore a 38 D going in, and a 44 DDD leaving. I actually needed a larger cup, but it was the biggest my mom could find.
4. I was assigned to the backseat for the ride home, as the Daddy was so nervous about her.
5. Truth is, I was assigned to the backseat until we turned her seat around, anytime we were all in the car. Again the nervous Daddy. Nevermind that I eventually drove her by myself sometimes...
6. We drove 15 miles per hour all the way home from the hospital. Literally. Nervous Daddy again.
7. I was literally one push away from a C-section - the doc was scrubbing in - when the nurse came in to say, "After 40 hours, are you really going to surgery now? You can do it!" And I did.
8. They stuck the pink bow to her head with KY jelly. Seriously.
We had dinner at my in-laws, and got a chance to visit with the Daddy's aunt and cousin (and her family) in from Colorado. The Girl got to play with her second cousins? cousins once removed? I don't know - Daddy's cousin's children. We got home in time for me to hard boil some eggs to dye, and read story and crash into bed.
Update: Because I am anal about these things... I looked it up: The children were the Daddy's First Cousins, Once Removed, (because they are one generation "removed" from first cousins - the children of his first cousin) but that makes them the Girls' Second Cousins (share great-grandparents, but not grandparents). That may make them my First-Cousins-Once-Removed-In-Law, but we may be on the edge of ridiculous... Don't you feel better now?
Saturday, we had a landscape delivery, so my hubs has some BIG holes to dig today in the backyard so we can get our trees in the ground. I took the Girl to an Easter-egg hunt at church, then dropped her off at home, ran to the store for birthday presents (in my rush, got the wrong size shorts and didn't notice until she tried to put them on this morning!).
Home in time to dye easter eggs, change my clothes and comb my hair, then off to the Daddy's other cousin's wedding. It was lovely! The Girl caught the bouquet, effectively earning me a glare from the Daddy. (She is not to do that again until she is 13, he says). She ran around afterward singing "I'm a Single Lady" by Beyonce. I won a centerpiece of lucky bamboo, but most important, Daddy's cousin and friend married his best friend and they looked so happy! The Grandpa teared up watching the little cousins all play like Daddy and his cousins did when they were little, and everyone got a bit emotional thinking of the Twin. Got home in time to put the girl to bed at a reasonable time (sort of), fell asleep, and woke up in a panic with the Daddy shaking me to remind me the Easter bunny would need to come soon, and we had gifts to wrap. By the way, these types of responsibilities invariably fall on me.
7AM Sunday morning, and the Girl was up 30 minutes earlier than she was allowed to wake us, but it was an emergency! So I made her close her eyes and walked her to the bathroom, while I made sure that the Easter bunny had left everything ready-to-go, and started the coffee. She woke Daddy, camera was ready, and so was she. Easter-eggs hunts are a hoot. This is the first year she got to find real eggs instead of waiting for her cousin to arrive and hunting for plastic ones, and she did need a few hints... I taught her how to peel a boiled egg, and she liked it, except the yucky yellow. Oh well. :)
Daddy was a little aggravated that the Easter bunny brought his favorite candy for him too, but he couldn't get left out! We shared some quiet reflection on the meaning(s) of the day - Daddy cannot handle the large crowds and pure volume of Easter Sunday church service - last year he had to walk out and sit outside until the service was over, so we decided to forego in deference to his anxiety this year.
The girl opened some gifts - it was her birthday, too!- and we went out to lunch at Steakhouse - her choice, every year! We came home in time to feel the earthquake - my first one - I thought I was just pregnant-dizzy! (Neither Daddy nor I realized what was going on until we compared notes this morning after I watched the news.) We both decided to lay down - and we both think we had mild food-poisoning from the steak. :( After a quick nap, we cleaned the house, and finished just in time to greet the in-laws and cousins for a birthday party/Easter gathering for dessert - chocolate eggs, jelly beans, and ice cream cake. Life is good...
Can it really be that my baby is actually 6 years old? My little girl, who wore my socks this morning because she couldn't find her own - and they fit!!!
Can it really be that 6 years ago today I was in complete panic mode as I learned I would have to be completely sedated while they removed my ruptured gall-bladder? That I had to acknowledge that sometimes, albeit rarely, people do not wake up from anesthesia? That I had to agree to take that chance - leaving my brand new baby to head down to the OR - because otherwise I would likely die of infection eventually? That I wept from joy as I realized I was awake and could hold her in my arms? That afterward, I painfully pumped the milk from my breasts that would contained enough anesthesia that it would have poisoned my baby, and watched her daddy feed her formula from a bottle as they threw my milk away (in a hazardous waste container!).
We stayed in the maternity ward until it was safe for me to go home, and the day we were to go, we - the Girl and I - had to wait while the Daddy drove around with our friend looking for a fireman to approve his installation of the car seat (I may need to do that early this time!).
Other Random thoughts on her birth:
1. I remember very little detail, and have to ask the Daddy most details - time, weight, etc.
2. My labor was 40 hours.
3. I wore a 38 D going in, and a 44 DDD leaving. I actually needed a larger cup, but it was the biggest my mom could find.
4. I was assigned to the backseat for the ride home, as the Daddy was so nervous about her.
5. Truth is, I was assigned to the backseat until we turned her seat around, anytime we were all in the car. Again the nervous Daddy. Nevermind that I eventually drove her by myself sometimes...
6. We drove 15 miles per hour all the way home from the hospital. Literally. Nervous Daddy again.
7. I was literally one push away from a C-section - the doc was scrubbing in - when the nurse came in to say, "After 40 hours, are you really going to surgery now? You can do it!" And I did.
8. They stuck the pink bow to her head with KY jelly. Seriously.
April 1, 2010
Cuz
I spent a good hour on the phone with my cousin last night and there was laughter and there was tears. As I asked her forgiveness for not letting go of an old issue, she showed me what compassion and forgiveness look like in reality. As she and I discussed my pregnancy, miscarriage, and pregnancy -- and her frustrated attempts to concieve, we laughed and wept together.
March 30, 2010
Conference
My boss asked me to attend a conference with her this summer, 3 1/2 days, out of town. I am honored to be asked - it is kind of a big deal.
However, that means figuring out what to do with the Girl for about 12 hours a day while I am out of town. The Daddy leaves for work around 6 and often does not get home until 6. That is 36 hours of child care to figure out. That is a lot.
This is also the first time I will ever be away from my girl for that long. Ever.
The first time I leave the Daddy in charge overnight.
Not that I have any worries about him being able to handle it. He will be fine.
3 days of worrying, 3 days of adult-only company. What a novelty.
However, that means figuring out what to do with the Girl for about 12 hours a day while I am out of town. The Daddy leaves for work around 6 and often does not get home until 6. That is 36 hours of child care to figure out. That is a lot.
This is also the first time I will ever be away from my girl for that long. Ever.
The first time I leave the Daddy in charge overnight.
Not that I have any worries about him being able to handle it. He will be fine.
3 days of worrying, 3 days of adult-only company. What a novelty.
March 23, 2010
Out of the mouths of babes
"Daddy is your 'husband'. And you are his 'life'." - The Girl, Age 5
Yep, you got that right. :)
Yep, you got that right. :)
March 22, 2010
the Hubs
I just love him.
No, life is not perfect. But I just love him.
I love his ridiculous collection of pots and planters that sit empty until I put something in them.
I love snuggling with him for a mid-afternoon nap.
I love how much he appreciates any meal I concoct. And I am full of concoctions.
I love his dreams- realized, partially-realized, not yet realized.
I love the part of him that obsesses over his family.
I love the part of him that obsesses over our family.
I love that he encourages me to pursue my dreams. And that he does not judge me if I put one off.
I love that he does not equate my lack of interest in housekeeping with a lack of love.
I love the grin he gets when we talk about our growing family.
I love overhearing him talk about "my wife" or "my girls".
I love how he humors my need to grow things - people, plants and otherwise.
I love how seriously he takes my career.
I love how he does things - like watch college sports - just to having something else to bond with my dad & stepmom about.
I love how he collects things, then spontaneously agrees to part with these random objects that build up.
I love that his enormous tie collection is not exactly sorted by color.
I love that he grinned and set it up when the Girl requested "wine" (apple juice) and a candle for her bubble bath. (That is my girl!).
I love that he is the last one to request to hold someone else's baby, but that he is so clearly satisfied by it when his turn comes.
I love that he texts me all day long with love messages and gives me ETAs until he will see me again.
I love that he loves his mother, probably more than anyone else in the world does. And he makes sure she knows.
I love that he kisses me good bye, every time, and hello, every time.
I love that his favorite spot to sit is next to me on the couch, head on my lap.
No, life is not perfect. But I just love him.
I love his ridiculous collection of pots and planters that sit empty until I put something in them.
I love snuggling with him for a mid-afternoon nap.
I love how much he appreciates any meal I concoct. And I am full of concoctions.
I love his dreams- realized, partially-realized, not yet realized.
I love the part of him that obsesses over his family.
I love the part of him that obsesses over our family.
I love that he encourages me to pursue my dreams. And that he does not judge me if I put one off.
I love that he does not equate my lack of interest in housekeeping with a lack of love.
I love the grin he gets when we talk about our growing family.
I love overhearing him talk about "my wife" or "my girls".
I love how he humors my need to grow things - people, plants and otherwise.
I love how seriously he takes my career.
I love how he does things - like watch college sports - just to having something else to bond with my dad & stepmom about.
I love how he collects things, then spontaneously agrees to part with these random objects that build up.
I love that his enormous tie collection is not exactly sorted by color.
I love that he grinned and set it up when the Girl requested "wine" (apple juice) and a candle for her bubble bath. (That is my girl!).
I love that he is the last one to request to hold someone else's baby, but that he is so clearly satisfied by it when his turn comes.
I love that he texts me all day long with love messages and gives me ETAs until he will see me again.
I love that he loves his mother, probably more than anyone else in the world does. And he makes sure she knows.
I love that he kisses me good bye, every time, and hello, every time.
I love that his favorite spot to sit is next to me on the couch, head on my lap.
March 12, 2010
Family
Yesterday, I recieved a text from my sister in law, checking in and sharing a bad moment. I got a chance to call her several hours later to see how she was doing. This is a woman most of my readers here know, but I do not know her well. Distance has provided few opportunities to spend any time really getting to know each other. Twin's recent illness caused her to visit and we were blessed to have the space to offer hospitality. In crisis, some draw apart, others draw together. There were few private moments to spend together, but those we did were very powerful.
One morning, we were driving down the road together and she asked me about my family, I think out of politeness and general kindness. Little did she know what a can of worms that is. I do not know what is happening, but I am the only imperferct member of my family. Just ask them. Mom and I have been drifting apart and I have tried to reach out to close the gap. I own my part of the incident that started the drift, but I can't accept all of the blame, and I have been trying to do my part to fix it. Phone calls were let go to voicemail, called were not returned until days later. It got bad enough that the Daddy and I had to laugh, or else I would cry -- "I called my mom today." "Did she answer?" "Nope, voicemail on both phones. How long do you think it will take to get a call back this time?"
But I am a GDLiar. Just ask her. She never did not answer a phone call from me. She never waited days to call me back. Truth is, she actually never even initiated a phone call at all until Twin passed away, and not again since . I suggested she call my husband if she was unwilling to hear what I had to say, but that is neither here nor there, becuase she won't. Nor is it actually part of the story, but dang I needed to vent.
Seriously, imagine your mom. If your mom is the PTO, cookie-baking, nesting, nurturing type, that is the same mom I would have described to you 4 months ago. What the heck?? I must be a horrible person to earn this treatment.
OK, tangent aside, back to my sister in law. I called her on a difficult day for her to check in and see if she needed a shoulder to vent upon. She had heard it all about my mom during her visit during that car ride. Every suggested she made as a mother and as a daughter, I was honestly able to say I had tried. I am dedicated to keeping the lines of communication open. I am dedicated to maintaining my daughter's relationship with Mom as a positive one.
As SIL and I began to talk, she asked me if there had been any improvements to the situation. I laughed and shared briefly that, no, if anything things were worse. Remember, I had called her to see how I could help her. She began to ask more questions and would not let me change the subject. Interestingly, and irrelevantly, due to my Mom's age when I was born, the age gap between the Daddy and his sister, and the age gap between the Daddy and me, SIL and Mom are only 5 years apart in age.
As we discussed the situation, she asked some questions and then she said some things I really needed to hear.
I am tired of being the one who is disposible. I was given away at the age of two by the people who promised my father they'd take care of me. The man who raised me disowned me at the age of 21. I have 2 older natural sisters, raised separately, neither of whom is interested. My younger sister can't be bothered. Now my mother? Seriously? Seriously?? I know, it totally must be me. I am the common denominator.
It was so wonderful to have some outside perspective, someone who cares enough to take the time to say some of the things I need to hear, and who I think is able to be relatively objective about the situation.
I really needed that.
One morning, we were driving down the road together and she asked me about my family, I think out of politeness and general kindness. Little did she know what a can of worms that is. I do not know what is happening, but I am the only imperferct member of my family. Just ask them. Mom and I have been drifting apart and I have tried to reach out to close the gap. I own my part of the incident that started the drift, but I can't accept all of the blame, and I have been trying to do my part to fix it. Phone calls were let go to voicemail, called were not returned until days later. It got bad enough that the Daddy and I had to laugh, or else I would cry -- "I called my mom today." "Did she answer?" "Nope, voicemail on both phones. How long do you think it will take to get a call back this time?"
But I am a GDLiar. Just ask her. She never did not answer a phone call from me. She never waited days to call me back. Truth is, she actually never even initiated a phone call at all until Twin passed away, and not again since . I suggested she call my husband if she was unwilling to hear what I had to say, but that is neither here nor there, becuase she won't. Nor is it actually part of the story, but dang I needed to vent.
Seriously, imagine your mom. If your mom is the PTO, cookie-baking, nesting, nurturing type, that is the same mom I would have described to you 4 months ago. What the heck?? I must be a horrible person to earn this treatment.
OK, tangent aside, back to my sister in law. I called her on a difficult day for her to check in and see if she needed a shoulder to vent upon. She had heard it all about my mom during her visit during that car ride. Every suggested she made as a mother and as a daughter, I was honestly able to say I had tried. I am dedicated to keeping the lines of communication open. I am dedicated to maintaining my daughter's relationship with Mom as a positive one.
As SIL and I began to talk, she asked me if there had been any improvements to the situation. I laughed and shared briefly that, no, if anything things were worse. Remember, I had called her to see how I could help her. She began to ask more questions and would not let me change the subject. Interestingly, and irrelevantly, due to my Mom's age when I was born, the age gap between the Daddy and his sister, and the age gap between the Daddy and me, SIL and Mom are only 5 years apart in age.
As we discussed the situation, she asked some questions and then she said some things I really needed to hear.
"You know you are not responsible for her choices?"
"You know you are doing everything you can?"
"You know no one has the right to talk to you that way?"
"You know you always should be able to ask for what you need, especially from your parents?"
"You know you have the right to your feelings, and you have to acknowledge them to yourself?"
"You do know that you know your truth, no matter who says you are wrong?"
"You know you do not deserve this?"
I am tired of being the one who is disposible. I was given away at the age of two by the people who promised my father they'd take care of me. The man who raised me disowned me at the age of 21. I have 2 older natural sisters, raised separately, neither of whom is interested. My younger sister can't be bothered. Now my mother? Seriously? Seriously?? I know, it totally must be me. I am the common denominator.
It was so wonderful to have some outside perspective, someone who cares enough to take the time to say some of the things I need to hear, and who I think is able to be relatively objective about the situation.
I really needed that.
March 10, 2010
behavior?
Someone shared with us recently that his 5 year-old daughter got into a fist fight at school. He was appalled and frustrated and more than a little embarassed due to his own profession and reputation.
When the Daddy shared the story with me, I had a moment of "thank heavens, not my kid". If you know us, you know that Our Girl has had her own issues with behavior. She has been doing much better lately, but life has not been easy at our house. I am preggo - tired all the time, Daddy is still struggling with the loss of his brother, and we have accepted some financial burdens that make our budget tighter than we would like. I know she is not getting the attention she deserves, and if she is not getting enough positive attention, she goes right for the negative. Our extended family has not had time to spend with her lately either, and she is feeing more than a little deprived. She is getting into trouble at school again - sassy, disobedient.
Just as Daddy told our friend, I know we cannot make her choices for her, and no matter how much guidance you give, kids will sometimes make bad choices. But seriously. We all need to step it up a notch and do better at home to give her what she needs in the way of positive attention so she can stop with the megative-attention grabbing behavior.
And in the slightly random side:
When the Daddy shared the story with me, I had a moment of "thank heavens, not my kid". If you know us, you know that Our Girl has had her own issues with behavior. She has been doing much better lately, but life has not been easy at our house. I am preggo - tired all the time, Daddy is still struggling with the loss of his brother, and we have accepted some financial burdens that make our budget tighter than we would like. I know she is not getting the attention she deserves, and if she is not getting enough positive attention, she goes right for the negative. Our extended family has not had time to spend with her lately either, and she is feeing more than a little deprived. She is getting into trouble at school again - sassy, disobedient.
Just as Daddy told our friend, I know we cannot make her choices for her, and no matter how much guidance you give, kids will sometimes make bad choices. But seriously. We all need to step it up a notch and do better at home to give her what she needs in the way of positive attention so she can stop with the megative-attention grabbing behavior.
And in the slightly random side:
- I am in the midst of a jelly bean binge.
- My brother asked me to be godmother to his son. He asked me this past Monday; the baptism is Sunday... 3000 miles away. Not going to make it. But I am so honored.
- I hate cashews.
- I won a gift card to the movies and CANNOT wait to go. I love the movies, but I almost never go.
- Either I looked especially fat yesterday or my baby bump has appeared - I had several comments.
- The Daddy noticed the bump on Saturday morning. So I am going with not fat.
- My wedding anniversary is Sunday. My husband will be out of town. Awesome.
March 4, 2010
the month of our marriage 4
Last night we got a new ultrasound pick. Everything looks good and my baby now LOOKS like a baby. a tiny 2-inch tall baby. I was so busy staring at the screen watching him/her turn flips, look right at the "camera", pose for the perfect profile shot that the Daddy had to call my name 3 times before I heard him to turn my head for a kiss. (Nice clear view of the umbilical cord too, so I pointed it out to the Girl who is fascinated with all things baby right now).
Daddy and I have done this before. The Girl was there, then, too. :) I remember being frightened, anxious, excited, and passionately in love with her already. The Daddy, I was not so sure some days, but he came around. (Just kidding). Seriously, I think, like most men I have talked to, the "big ultrasound" was the moment Daddy came around and everything became more real.
What a wonderful time for our family this is.
Daddy and I have done this before. The Girl was there, then, too. :) I remember being frightened, anxious, excited, and passionately in love with her already. The Daddy, I was not so sure some days, but he came around. (Just kidding). Seriously, I think, like most men I have talked to, the "big ultrasound" was the moment Daddy came around and everything became more real.
What a wonderful time for our family this is.
March 3, 2010
the month of our marriage 3
I asked the Daddy if I was remembering the right order of our first few dates and he says I am wrong. He is probably right, he has a much better memory for these things. However...
According to him, we went together to an event for the first time (does that make it a date?) to a swimming party with some friends. At which, according to him, I wore a red swimsuit. (I have never owned a red swimsuit in my adult life). I do remember some details he brought up, but I think he has this out of order and crossed with some other outing with a previous girl. Since if he had already seen me in a suit, I would not have been anxious about the hot tub outing.
We do agree that one of our earliest dates was a late-night outing to the park near his condo (the condo which would eventually be our first home together - the home to which we brought the Girl from the hospital). We were out with friends that afternoon, and weren't ready to say good-night when we got near home. So we pulled into the park and and went for a walk by the lake. We found a cozy hillside and sat and just got to know each other better. At some point, his head ended up on my lap. We both fell asleep a little, I think. I also think that is when I started to fall in love a little. That this man had this gentle, nature-loving, walk-in-the-park at midnight soul.
According to him, we went together to an event for the first time (does that make it a date?) to a swimming party with some friends. At which, according to him, I wore a red swimsuit. (I have never owned a red swimsuit in my adult life). I do remember some details he brought up, but I think he has this out of order and crossed with some other outing with a previous girl. Since if he had already seen me in a suit, I would not have been anxious about the hot tub outing.
We do agree that one of our earliest dates was a late-night outing to the park near his condo (the condo which would eventually be our first home together - the home to which we brought the Girl from the hospital). We were out with friends that afternoon, and weren't ready to say good-night when we got near home. So we pulled into the park and and went for a walk by the lake. We found a cozy hillside and sat and just got to know each other better. At some point, his head ended up on my lap. We both fell asleep a little, I think. I also think that is when I started to fall in love a little. That this man had this gentle, nature-loving, walk-in-the-park at midnight soul.
March 2, 2010
The month of our marriage, pt. 2
He FINALLY asked me out on a date. It actually did not take long after the guy dinner, but in girl time, it was too long. But we were kinda quiet about it, because of the whole circle of friends thing and what if it got weird?
The first part of this story would not have happened if he had been on time.
While I was stewing over him being late, a guy called. A guy who wanted to continue dating and refused to understand I was not interested. I took the call. After all, I was dressed, made up, tapping my foot, and there was a chance it was TONIGHT'S DATE calling to apologize for running late. It wasn't and the conversation turned emotional (on his end) just as I (finally!)hear a knock on the door. Feeling sorry for bachelor #2, I let bachelor number 1 in and asked for just a minute to finish my call. I handed him the remote and I slipped into the other room. It was a long minute, and he finally yelled that he was going to go since I was busy. Seriously? You were late. Have patience. I am worth it!
Yeah, off to a great start. Points to both of us for a lame beginning.
So we went to dinner, I can't remember where - chinese, maybe? - then he asked me if I felt like sitting in the hot tub and hanging out. Yah right. In my bathing suit? With this amazing body. You must be kidding me. He said something like, I asked you out right? So I must like how you look. Besides, if this works out, I'll see you in your suit EVENTUALLY so let's just relax shall we?
Actually, he is kind of a bad-boy (ooooohhhhh shivers!), so it was not as sweet as that... I am sure he said I was hot... but whatever it was - and I do actually remember, verbatim, and it still makes me blush a little - it worked. Some conversations are for quoting and some are for cherishing. This is a cherishing one. :) I agreed and put on my suit.
Except the hot-tub was locked. And my key did not work. After all that. Hmmmpf. So, back to my apartment, hanging out, getting to know each other, smooching on the couch a bit... It was a lame start, but it sure picked up from there... and he asked me out again, so it must have been OK with him after all.
The first part of this story would not have happened if he had been on time.
While I was stewing over him being late, a guy called. A guy who wanted to continue dating and refused to understand I was not interested. I took the call. After all, I was dressed, made up, tapping my foot, and there was a chance it was TONIGHT'S DATE calling to apologize for running late. It wasn't and the conversation turned emotional (on his end) just as I (finally!)hear a knock on the door. Feeling sorry for bachelor #2, I let bachelor number 1 in and asked for just a minute to finish my call. I handed him the remote and I slipped into the other room. It was a long minute, and he finally yelled that he was going to go since I was busy. Seriously? You were late. Have patience. I am worth it!
Yeah, off to a great start. Points to both of us for a lame beginning.
So we went to dinner, I can't remember where - chinese, maybe? - then he asked me if I felt like sitting in the hot tub and hanging out. Yah right. In my bathing suit? With this amazing body. You must be kidding me. He said something like, I asked you out right? So I must like how you look. Besides, if this works out, I'll see you in your suit EVENTUALLY so let's just relax shall we?
Actually, he is kind of a bad-boy (ooooohhhhh shivers!), so it was not as sweet as that... I am sure he said I was hot... but whatever it was - and I do actually remember, verbatim, and it still makes me blush a little - it worked. Some conversations are for quoting and some are for cherishing. This is a cherishing one. :) I agreed and put on my suit.
Except the hot-tub was locked. And my key did not work. After all that. Hmmmpf. So, back to my apartment, hanging out, getting to know each other, smooching on the couch a bit... It was a lame start, but it sure picked up from there... and he asked me out again, so it must have been OK with him after all.
March 1, 2010
The month of our marriage
March. Last year, I was in false-calm mode as we approached the wedding in 2 weeks. Everything not-last-minute was done. Except the DJ. That was HIS job. I ended up taking care of it.
But that is neither here nor there.
March. We got married in March. Now, I am no Pioneer Woman, no Black Heels to Tractor Wheels here, but here is our story - at least highlights -
We met. We don't know exactly when, because we met through mutual friends. We know where - swordfighting park, between 8-9 years ago. I remember thinking his friend was cute, so I went up to them to say hi. (I really don't think his friend is actually that cute anymore, but the Daddy sure is hunky). I asked the two of them to join my army so that my BMF and I could be King and Queen (long story). (The BMF was, at the time, my ultimate epitome of manliness, and this pretend King Queen thing in our swordfighting club was as close as we would ever get to any sort of romance, as he was about to asked his GF to elope. Bummer. But I love them both to death, so it all turned out all right. Besides, everyone needs one really good unrequited-love-story to make the real thing that much better.) But back to the story. The Daddy said no, he already promised someone else to fight for them. But he did fall on his sword for me. Good man. But still, not dating yet.
Fast forward. A few "business" phone calls, nothing personal. Then one day, I felt like calling, but felt that was too forward to just call him up. So, I came up with a most excellent cover story.
"Um, Hi. I have this message from you but my voicemail is not working right, so I don't know if it is old or new. So I am just calling to see." Stop talking. Just stop talking. By the way, did I mention to you, readers, there is this other guy that thinks we are dating, but I think we are not. Long story. Not the Daddy. A different guy. This will be relevant later.
"No, that must be an old message. Haven't called you recently."
"Oh. Sorry." S***! Now what do I say?
"But hey, if you ever just want to call me, it is ok. You don't have to make up a story next time." Busted. What do I say? What do I SAY? WHAT DO I SAY?
So I laugh. I am super cool, obviously. "Ok. So, what are you up to?"
"Dinner with ***" (Previously mentioned used-to-think-he-was-cute friend.) "Wanna come? It is just me and the guys."
Yay. My super-lame-so-let's-be friends-overture worked and after this dinner with his guy friends, which is apparently rather a rare thing to invite a GIRL to come to...and then the Daddy starts calling me at home. No date yet. But no one ever said that "super-obvious" doesn't work better than subtle. Also, I never really claimed to be other-than-a-dork. :)
NOTE: We talked about this last night, and he still laughed that I used that lame line about the messages. :) What a man.
But that is neither here nor there.
March. We got married in March. Now, I am no Pioneer Woman, no Black Heels to Tractor Wheels here, but here is our story - at least highlights -
We met. We don't know exactly when, because we met through mutual friends. We know where - swordfighting park, between 8-9 years ago. I remember thinking his friend was cute, so I went up to them to say hi. (I really don't think his friend is actually that cute anymore, but the Daddy sure is hunky). I asked the two of them to join my army so that my BMF and I could be King and Queen (long story). (The BMF was, at the time, my ultimate epitome of manliness, and this pretend King Queen thing in our swordfighting club was as close as we would ever get to any sort of romance, as he was about to asked his GF to elope. Bummer. But I love them both to death, so it all turned out all right. Besides, everyone needs one really good unrequited-love-story to make the real thing that much better.) But back to the story. The Daddy said no, he already promised someone else to fight for them. But he did fall on his sword for me. Good man. But still, not dating yet.
Fast forward. A few "business" phone calls, nothing personal. Then one day, I felt like calling, but felt that was too forward to just call him up. So, I came up with a most excellent cover story.
"Um, Hi. I have this message from you but my voicemail is not working right, so I don't know if it is old or new. So I am just calling to see." Stop talking. Just stop talking. By the way, did I mention to you, readers, there is this other guy that thinks we are dating, but I think we are not. Long story. Not the Daddy. A different guy. This will be relevant later.
"No, that must be an old message. Haven't called you recently."
"Oh. Sorry." S***! Now what do I say?
"But hey, if you ever just want to call me, it is ok. You don't have to make up a story next time." Busted. What do I say? What do I SAY? WHAT DO I SAY?
So I laugh. I am super cool, obviously. "Ok. So, what are you up to?"
"Dinner with ***" (Previously mentioned used-to-think-he-was-cute friend.) "Wanna come? It is just me and the guys."
Yay. My super-lame-so-let's-be friends-overture worked and after this dinner with his guy friends, which is apparently rather a rare thing to invite a GIRL to come to...and then the Daddy starts calling me at home. No date yet. But no one ever said that "super-obvious" doesn't work better than subtle. Also, I never really claimed to be other-than-a-dork. :)
NOTE: We talked about this last night, and he still laughed that I used that lame line about the messages. :) What a man.
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