Conference

My boss asked me to attend a conference with her this summer, 3 1/2  days, out of town.  I am honored to be asked - it is kind of a big deal.

However, that means figuring out what to do with the Girl for about 12 hours a day while I am out of town.  The Daddy leaves for work around 6 and often does not get home until 6.  That is 36 hours of child care to figure out.  That is a lot.

This is also the first time I will ever be away from my girl for that long.  Ever.
The first time I leave the Daddy in charge overnight.
Not that I have any worries about him being able to handle it. He will be fine.

3 days of worrying, 3 days of adult-only company.  What a novelty.

Out of the mouths of babes

"Daddy is your 'husband'.  And you are his 'life'."  - The Girl, Age 5

Yep, you got that right.  :)

the Hubs

I just love him.

No, life is not perfect.  But I just love him. 

I love his ridiculous collection of pots and planters that sit empty until I put something in them.

I love snuggling with him for a mid-afternoon nap.

I love how much he appreciates any meal I concoct.  And I am full of concoctions.

I love his dreams- realized, partially-realized, not yet realized.

I love the part of him that obsesses over his family.

I love the part of him that obsesses over our family.

I love that he encourages me to pursue my dreams.  And that he does not judge me if I put one off.

I love that he does not equate my lack of interest in housekeeping with a lack of love.

I love the grin he gets when we talk about our growing family.

I love overhearing him talk about "my wife" or "my girls".

I love how he humors my need to grow things - people, plants and otherwise.

I love how seriously he takes my career.

I love how he does things - like watch college sports - just to having something else to bond with my dad & stepmom about.

I love how he collects things, then spontaneously agrees to part with these random objects that build up.

I love that his enormous tie collection is not exactly sorted by color. 

I love that he grinned and set it up when the Girl requested "wine" (apple juice) and a candle for her bubble bath.  (That is my girl!).

I love that he is the last one to request to hold someone else's baby, but that he is so clearly satisfied by it when his turn comes.

I love that he texts me all day long with love messages and gives me ETAs until he will see me again.

 I love that he loves his mother, probably more than anyone else in the world does.  And he makes sure she knows.

I love that he kisses me good bye, every time, and hello, every time.

I love that his favorite spot to sit is next to me on the couch, head on my lap.

Family

Yesterday, I recieved a text from my sister in law, checking in and sharing a bad moment.  I got a chance to call her several hours later to see how she was doing.  This is a woman most of my readers here know, but I do not know her well.  Distance has provided few opportunities to spend any time really getting to know each other.  Twin's recent illness caused her to visit and we were blessed to have the space to offer hospitality.  In crisis, some draw apart, others draw together.  There were few private moments to spend together, but those we did were very powerful. 

One morning, we were driving down the road together and she asked me about my family, I think out of politeness and general kindness.  Little did she know what a can of worms that is.  I do not know what is happening, but I am the only imperferct member of my family.  Just ask them.  Mom and I have been drifting apart and I have tried to reach out to close the gap. I own my part of the incident that started the drift, but I can't accept all of the blame, and I have been trying to do my part to fix it.  Phone calls were let go to voicemail, called were not returned until days later.  It got bad enough that the Daddy and I had to laugh, or else I would cry -- "I called my mom today."  "Did she answer?"  "Nope, voicemail on both phones. How long do you think it will take to get a call back this time?"

But I am a GDLiar. Just ask her.  She never did not answer a phone call from me.  She never waited days to call me back.  Truth is, she actually never even initiated a phone call at all until Twin passed away, and not again since .  I suggested she call my husband if she was unwilling to hear what I had to say, but that is neither here nor there, becuase she won't.   Nor is it actually part of the story, but dang I needed to vent.

Seriously, imagine your mom.  If your mom is the PTO, cookie-baking, nesting, nurturing type, that is the same mom I would have described to you 4 months ago.  What the heck??  I must be a horrible person to earn this treatment.

OK, tangent aside, back to my sister in law.  I called her on a difficult day for her to check in and see if she needed a shoulder to vent upon.  She had heard it all about my mom during her visit during that car ride.  Every suggested she made as a mother and as a daughter, I was honestly able to say I had tried.  I am dedicated to keeping the lines of communication open.  I am dedicated to maintaining my daughter's relationship with Mom as a positive one.

As SIL and I began to talk, she asked me if there had been any improvements to the situation.  I laughed and shared briefly that, no, if anything things were worse.  Remember, I had called her to see how I could help her.  She began to ask more questions and would not let me change the subject.  Interestingly, and irrelevantly, due to my Mom's age when I was born, the age gap between the Daddy and his sister, and the age gap between the Daddy and me, SIL and Mom are only 5 years apart in age. 

As we discussed the situation, she asked some questions and then she said some things I really needed to hear. 

"You know you are not responsible for her choices?"

"You know you are doing everything you can?"

"You know no one has the right to talk to you that way?"

"You know you always should be able to ask for what you need, especially from your parents?"

"You know you have the right to your feelings, and you have to acknowledge them to yourself?"

"You do know that you know your truth, no matter who says you are wrong?"

"You know you do not deserve this?"

I am tired of being the one who is disposible.  I was given away at the age of two by the people who promised my father they'd take care of me.  The man who raised me disowned me at the age of 21.  I have 2 older natural sisters, raised separately, neither of whom is interested.  My younger sister can't be bothered.  Now my mother?  Seriously?  Seriously??  I know, it totally must be me.  I am the common denominator.   

It was so wonderful to have some outside perspective, someone who cares enough to take the time to say some of the things I need to hear, and who I think is able to be relatively objective about the situation.

I really needed that.

behavior?

Someone shared with us recently that his 5 year-old daughter got into a fist fight at school.  He was appalled and frustrated and more than a little embarassed due to his own profession and reputation. 

When the Daddy shared the story with me, I had a moment of "thank heavens, not my kid".  If you know us, you know that Our Girl has had her own issues with behavior.  She has been doing much better lately, but life has not been easy at our house.  I am preggo - tired all the time, Daddy is still struggling with the loss of his brother, and we have accepted some financial burdens that make our budget tighter than we would like.  I know she is not getting the attention she deserves, and if she is not getting enough positive attention, she goes right for the negative. Our extended family has not had time to spend with her lately either, and she is feeing more than a little deprived. She is getting into trouble at school again - sassy, disobedient. 

Just as Daddy told our friend, I know we cannot make her choices for her, and no matter how much guidance you give, kids will sometimes make bad choices.  But seriously.  We all need to step it up a notch and do better at home to give her what she needs in the way of positive attention so she can stop with the megative-attention grabbing behavior. 

And in the slightly random side:

• I am in the midst of a jelly bean binge.
• My brother asked me to be godmother to his son.  He asked me this past Monday; the baptism is Sunday...  3000 miles away.  Not going to make it. But I am so honored.
• I hate cashews.
• I won a gift card to the movies and CANNOT wait to go.  I love the movies, but I almost never go.
• Either I looked especially fat yesterday or my baby bump has appeared - I had several comments.
• The Daddy noticed the bump on Saturday morning. So I am going with not fat.
• My wedding anniversary is Sunday.  My husband will be out of town.  Awesome.

the month of our marriage 4

Last night we got a new ultrasound pick.  Everything looks good and my baby now LOOKS like a baby.  a tiny 2-inch tall baby.   I was so busy staring at the screen watching him/her turn flips, look right at the "camera", pose for the perfect profile shot that the Daddy had to call my name 3 times before I heard him to turn my head for a kiss.  (Nice clear view of the umbilical cord too, so I pointed it out to the Girl who is fascinated with all things baby right now).

Daddy and I have done this before.  The Girl was there, then, too.  :)   I remember being frightened, anxious, excited, and passionately in love with her already.   The Daddy, I was not so sure some days, but he came around.  (Just kidding).  Seriously, I think, like most men I have talked to, the "big ultrasound" was the moment Daddy came around and everything became more real. 

What a wonderful time for our family this is.

the month of our marriage 3

I asked the Daddy if I was remembering the right order of our first few dates and he says I am wrong.  He is probably right, he has a much better memory for these things. However...

According to him, we went together to an event for the first time (does that make it a date?)  to a swimming party with some friends.  At which, according to him, I wore a red swimsuit.  (I have never owned a red swimsuit in my adult life).  I do remember some details he brought up, but I think he has this out of order and crossed with some other outing with a previous girl.  Since if he had already seen me in a suit, I would not have been anxious about the hot tub outing. 

We do agree that one of our earliest dates was a late-night outing to the park near his condo (the condo which would eventually be our first home together - the home to which we brought the Girl from the hospital).    We were out with friends that afternoon, and weren't ready to say good-night when we got near home.  So we pulled into the park and and went for a walk by the lake.  We found a cozy hillside and sat and just got to know each other better.  At some point, his head ended up on my lap. We both fell asleep a little, I think.   I also think that is when I started to fall in love a little.  That this man had this gentle, nature-loving, walk-in-the-park at midnight soul.

The month of our marriage, pt. 2

He FINALLY asked me out on a date.  It actually did not take long after the guy dinner, but in girl time, it was too long.  But we were kinda quiet about it, because of the whole circle of friends thing and what if it got weird?

The first part of this story would not have happened if he had been on time.

While I was stewing over him being late, a guy called.  A guy who wanted to continue dating and refused to understand I was not interested.   I took the call.  After all, I was dressed, made up, tapping my foot, and there was a chance it was TONIGHT'S DATE calling to apologize for running late. It wasn't and the conversation turned emotional (on his end) just as I (finally!)hear a knock on the door.  Feeling sorry for bachelor #2, I let bachelor number 1 in and asked for just a minute to finish my call. I handed him the remote and  I slipped into the other room.  It was a long minute, and he finally yelled that he was going to go since I was busy.  Seriously?  You were late.  Have patience.  I am worth it!

Yeah, off to a great start. Points to both of us for a lame beginning.

So we went to dinner, I can't remember where - chinese, maybe? - then he asked me if I felt like sitting in the hot tub and hanging out.  Yah right.  In my bathing suit?  With this amazing body.  You must be kidding me.  He said something like, I asked you out right? So I must like how you look.  Besides, if this works out, I'll see you in your suit EVENTUALLY so let's just relax shall we? 

Actually, he is kind of a bad-boy (ooooohhhhh shivers!), so it was not as sweet as that... I am sure he said I was hot... but whatever it was - and I do actually remember, verbatim, and it still makes me blush a little - it worked.  Some conversations are for quoting and some are for cherishing.  This is a cherishing one.  :)  I agreed and put on my suit.

Except the hot-tub was locked.  And my key did not work. After all that.  Hmmmpf. So, back to my apartment, hanging out, getting to know each other, smooching on the couch a bit... It was a lame start, but it sure picked up from there... and he asked me out again, so it must have been OK with him after all.

The month of our marriage

March.  Last year, I was in false-calm mode as we approached the wedding in 2 weeks.  Everything not-last-minute was done.  Except the DJ.  That was HIS job.  I ended up taking care of it. 

But that is neither here nor there.

March. We got married in March. Now, I am no Pioneer Woman, no Black Heels to Tractor Wheels here, but here is our story - at least highlights -

We met.  We don't know exactly when, because we met through mutual friends.  We know where - swordfighting park, between 8-9 years ago.  I remember thinking his friend was cute, so I went up to them to say hi.  (I really don't think his friend is actually that cute anymore, but the Daddy sure is hunky).  I asked the two of them to join my army so that my BMF and I could be King and Queen (long story).  (The BMF was, at the time, my ultimate epitome of manliness, and this pretend King Queen thing in our swordfighting club was as close as we would ever get to any sort of romance, as he was about to asked his GF to elope.  Bummer. But I love them both to death, so it all turned out all right. Besides, everyone needs one really good unrequited-love-story to make the real thing that much better.)   But back to the story.  The Daddy said no, he already promised someone else to fight for them.  But he did fall on his sword for me.  Good man.  But still, not dating yet.

Fast forward.  A few "business" phone calls, nothing personal.  Then one day, I felt like calling, but felt that was too forward to just call him up.  So, I came up with a most excellent cover story. 

"Um,  Hi.  I have this message from you but my voicemail is not working right, so I don't know if it is old or new.  So I am just calling to see."  Stop talking. Just stop talking. By the way, did I mention to you, readers, there is this other guy that thinks we are dating, but I think we are not.  Long story.  Not the Daddy.  A different guy.  This will be relevant later.
"No, that must be an old message.  Haven't called you recently."
"Oh.  Sorry."   S***!  Now what do I say?
"But hey, if you ever just want to call me, it is ok.  You don't have to make up a story next time."  Busted.  What do I say?  What do I SAY?  WHAT DO I SAY?
So I laugh. I am super cool, obviously. "Ok.  So, what are you up to?"
"Dinner with ***" (Previously mentioned used-to-think-he-was-cute friend.)  "Wanna come? It is just me and the guys."

Yay.  My super-lame-so-let's-be friends-overture worked and after this dinner with his guy friends, which is apparently rather a rare thing to invite a GIRL to come to...and then the Daddy starts calling me at home.  No date yet.  But no one ever said that "super-obvious" doesn't work better than subtle.  Also, I never really claimed to be other-than-a-dork.  :)

NOTE:  We talked about this last night, and he still laughed that I used that lame line about the messages.  :)  What a man.

The first friend phone call AKA glimpse into the future

The Girl got her first phone call from a school friend yesterday.  She had called earlier to leave a message: 

Hi, (friend), it is (the Girl).  My mom's phone number is (***).  I forget what we are wearing for twins day.  If you remember, call me back.  My mom's phone number is (***).  If you don't remember, call me so we can make a new arrangement.  My mom's phone number is (***).  Ok.  Just call me anytime.  This is (the Girl).  My mom's phone number is (***).  My dad's phone number is (***).  Ok.  Bye.

20 minutes or so, and the friend calls back.  HAHAHA Clearly not a frequent phone user, because me answering REALLY flustered her and she had to put her Grandma on.  She and the Girl talked about 20 minutes, standing in their closets, planning the wardrobe.  The Girl hung up and called her back. Another long conversation. 

Let's talk about our families.
Let's talk about our pets.
Let's talk about our back-yards.

I finally (good grief, already?) had to tell my Girl to get off the phone, it had been a long enough conversation. 

Mom, I forget to tell her something, can I call her back?
No, honey, let her have family time.

Ring Ring.  This is (friend).  Is (the Girl) there?  I forgot to tell her something.

Good heavens.  They are 5 going on 13.

PS.  the other girl forgot to dress up the next day.  LMAO

Really? Germany?

Lets move there.  Says the daddy.
OK.  I reply.  Or Italy?
OK.  When?
Either before I am too pregnant to move or right after the baby comes.  You going active duty?
Maybe. Can we go to Alaska first? 
Random.  But sure.  June?
Either that or I go without you.  Answers the Daddy.
HAHA.  To visit MY cousin, whom you've never met?
She did send the invitation to *my* email.
Touche.  Alrighty then.  Make a plan.
I love you.
MMMM HMMMMMMMM.  me too.

10 down, 30 to go.

My littlest is ten weeks old.  Also not born yet.  I am ten weeks and one day pregnant (officially).  That may change at my next ultrasound, since I was not tracking my cycles, having been on birthcontrol until November, and not thinking that conception would happen in December, Doc is judging by size and development.

10 weeks means - in theory, at least - 2 more of this miserable sickness and into the feeling good part of all this!  I loved being pregnant the first time - the second trimester was wonderful - I felt great all of the time. I am ready to feel great again.  The dr gave me a script for the morning sickness, so hopefully that will help me make it a little longer.

However, there is a stink in my fridge.  Left-over lasagna and enchiladas - even covered!, plus last night's indian food in a take-out box make for the mama gagging and holding my breath to grab the jelly and the juice box to make the Girl's lunch today.  There are not enough boxes of baking soda in the world to cure this particular stink.  Gross.

Grief & strength

Everyone deal with grief in their own way.  I get that.  But when grief turns to anger and is misdirected, it just spells U_G_L_Y.  Yep, all in caps. 

As my husband and I lay in bed last night and talked about how we feel about the day's goings on, as he shared his fears and his dreams and his worries, I found myself commenting on where we are.  As things fall apart around us, as relationships are pushed to the edge, as we watch friends and family torn up and torn apart, I marvel that is is us that are holding together.  I would not have said either of us are at our best in a crisis.  But I am surprised at how we have meshed our gifts.  When I fall apart, he provides the strength our little family needs to stay together. This week, his turn to need to borrow some strength and I have been able to provide for him.  We vowed "for better and for worse, in good times and in bad".  Well, this is one of those worse, bad times.  And we are surviving it.  As I shared my thoughts, and said to him, "Through 8 years, through the times we never thought we'd make it, through the most difficult days we have gone through, the times we have caused each other such pain, did you ever imagine we would be this couple?  The ones, out of all the crisis we see around us, that we are standing strong together?? I never imagined this."  And he turned to me, and pulled me close and said, "Gee, Baby, you sure know how to sweet talk a guy."  Yeah, I guess the words did not express my true feeling, but I think he understood. 

commenting and peeves

So, I think it is funny that most of the 2.5 people who actually read this send me facebook inbox messages about my blog but don't comment here.  It amuses me. :) 

I also think that I love talking to people who agree with me.  Especially when they say, "You said what I wanted to say, but didn't know how."  Because usually when I talk, especially about something I feel strongly about, I spend 5 seconds speaking my mind and the next 5 minutes trying to crow-bar my foot out of my mouth.  I don't mind talking to people who disagree with me, but I sure do hate when people lie or misconstrue what I have said .   Just saying.  I also hate false apologies.  Neither here nor there, but just something that popped in to my head. 

Ok, enough .  Later.

The Circle of Life

The secret is out; yes I am pregnant. YAY us. We are due September 21. This has been a difficult month as we waited and did testing, and tried to keep the secret. You see, now that the news is out, we have also been able to tell those that did not know already that we had a miscarriage in early November. Some of my earlier posts may make more sense now. It was early on, and my body recovered quickly (obviously). But we had been so filled with Joy that all we did was laugh and giggle and tease each other about how fertile the Daddy must be that this was our second baby that we were suprised by (I was on birth control both times). We told the Girl we had a baby coming. And then we had to tell her we didn't.

We acknowledge that I am old, fertility-wise. We are aware that the older a woman is, the older her eggs are, and that something was wrong, and the was God's way of taking care of me, of us. But that did not mean we did not mourn. And in the midst of our mourning, we decided to stop all precautions and let God give us a baby when He was ready.

We just did not think He - or my body - would be ready so soon.

We found out that we were pregnant the same day we found out that Daddy's twin brother's time on earth was drawing to a close sooner than we thought. This has been a different first month of knowing, as we alternate emotions. We are not any less thrilled and happy about this pregnancy, but the emotional roller coaster is hard on us, especially the Daddy. He is happy enough that he told his Twin right away and the Twin asked for and saw the ultrasound before the Daddy held it in his hand. (Daddy saw an electronic version earlier that day). Long before anyone else in the family knew.

We are overjoyed and we are devastated. We are wildly excited and looking at each new day with dread that it may likely be the Twin's last day. As I desperately try to sleep off the around-the-clock nausea, the Daddy tries desperately not to close his eyes as he sits with the Twin all night long.

I hold my husband in my arms as he weeps and know that I cannot take his pain. While he weeps that he cannot take the pain from his brother.

The Girl spilled the beans a few days ago, and the reaction of the gathered family was lovely. As we stood in the hallway, taking turns visiting the Twin, hope pushed aside some of the despair. Faces that have struggled to find smiles lately gathered close in congratulations and hope. Daddy's oldest sister squeezed me hard when I whispered, "We didn't mean to tell everyone quite like this," and replied, "It is good news. It is the circle of life."

State of Emergency

This morning the Daddy called. Seems the State Emergency Plan cannot function without him and he is activated until further notice. How long? No one is sure, estimate is 10 days. or 7. or 14. Or maybe more. He grabbed lunch with me and we checked the girl out of school so that at least she could see him before he left. Did I mention that he checked her out of class for 15 minutes yesterday morning - which is the first time she had seen him in a week??? That we reassured her she and Daddy could do something special this evening for dinner? That we PROMISED??? She was sobbing today when we were driving to Burger King to meet him. With his twin in the hospital and my life generally off-kilter, this is the worst possible time for him to be gone and he teared up as he begged me to make sure he got timely information about the Uncle. Rumors at work about 5% pay cuts and possible lay-offs again if the state passes the current incarnation of the budget. Sigh.

I need a vacation from my life.

Update:
After frantically running around gathering his cold-weather gear, trying to catch up with us for lunch, driving 2 hours south to pick up the equipment, driving 4 hours north to the mission site… as soon as they arrived, his mission got cancelled… so they turned around and drove 4 hours back to , unloade and store the equipment, drove 2 hours back to home and scared me to death coming in the door at 3:30 this morning. He could not let me know, because his phone ran out of charge mid-trip and they didn't stop anywhere long enough to recharge it.

Seriously.

Miss him

I miss him. With this new work schedule and his partner gone, he is working until too late each night, then a quick stop at the hospital, and it is just about guaranteed that I will be asleep by the time he gets home. I wake only slightly when he slips into bed and puts his arm around my waist. Then, next thing I know, he shakes me to tell me he is out of the shower and it is my turn. Some days that 10 minutes I talk to him while he is getting dressed is the only time we have. He is great about texting all through the day, so at least I feel a little connected, and if he can get a break during my lunch, he always tries to call. I cannot wait until he slows down a little and the partner situation is resolved. I miss him.

My life

We are home today; the girl got sick at school this morning. So, although to see her right now, you'd never believe she wasn't feeling well a few hours ago...

So, I caught up on some much needed reading, repaired the track on the patio door (Be careful, that thing will get away from you now!), repaired the rubber insulation on a couple of drafy windows, repotted a pythos, 2 loads of laundry, and scrubbed a tub.

Don't be jealous... HAHA

Generosity of spirit

At Sunday School this week, the Girl recieved a list for care packages that UMOM is sending to Haiti ("Kids for Kids"). She asked if we could make one. Of course. "Can we make 2?" Sure. "Can we make 10? I have money." Oh, my love. You are so generous and loving. I love that you care so much and are so willing to give to those in need.
I am so proud of you.

Good news

I woke up today and it was like someone flipped a switch. I am feeling so much better. I feel happy and am aware that there is a little smile on my face for no apparent reason. Either the meds are FINALLY kicking in or What-A-Burger is just that good. I hope it lasts!