Happy one month birthday, baby

Two weeks before delivery

My girl arrived on her scheduled induction date - but we went into labor on our own at 12:30 AM.  We were at the hospital by 3 AM and into a delivery room by 5.   She finally arrived after less than a half-hour of pushing at about 11:30.

Happy daddy

No one got to see a picture of Tori until her big sister arrived and got to see and hold her - even Grandpa waited in the hall until Alex held the baby...

...but then Grandpa got his turn.

This is Tori, on her first day of life. 

9/27/10

Tori, my beautiful child.  Welcome to the world.  Mama is so glad you are here.  I did not know our family was not complete until I felt you under my heart.  I am so glad to hold you in my arms at long last. 

overdue

induction scheduled for Monday. 

Wonderful weekend

We are nothin' if not last minute. 

This weekend, we:

• got our pre-natal photos taken.  Cannot wait to show off the belly shot of the Daddy's hands forming a heart over my pregnant belly
• set up the baby' furniture.  The Girl organized her sister's drawers and is very adamant that we use her "system".  Fortunately it works.

This weekend we also

• watched Daddy attempt to eat a chicken foot.  No, really.  After he made it dance around on his plate in the middle of the restaurant.  We went to an Asian buffet, and this was his attempt at being a good role-model and convince the girl to try something new.
• Subsequently, she licked the eyeball of a prawn that had been cooked intact.  Nicely done.
• I scrubbed the kitchen floor on hands and knees in a valiant attempt to go into labor.  The Daddy cracked lots of jokes about me being barefoot, pregnant, in the kitchen, etc...
• Went to the movies.  Not sure how easy that will be to do in the immediate future.
• Had a melt-down in Target because Mommy and Daddy bought something for the Baby but not for the Girl. 
• The girl made a recipe:
• bread (warmed and shredded)
• pudding (vanilla)
• cereal (fruity pebbles)
• ice cream (mint chocolate)
• sliced banana
• Fortunately for me, she knows Mommy gets full really fast theses days.  The Daddy stuck it out and ate the whole thing.  Good man.
• We skipped church, sending the Girl with her aunt instead, and went out for some grown-ups only breakfast, for what will probably be the last time for a long while.  It was really nice.

Update

I have not made any progress since last week, in spite of a quick trip to the hospital will a false alarm... :(


I am officially due on Tuesday the 21st.

I have an appointment again Monday. At that appointment, Doc will determine if I am to be induced next week. The latest he will let me go is Tuesday, Sept 28. As of right now, we are planning an induction for the 28th unless baby has made her appearance before then.

still here

went to the hospital yesterday. 
sigh.
no baby
false alarm.
will work today.
am so ready.
so emotional.
so sore.
so ready for my new daughter

9.11

As I sit at my desk reading the news, and look at pictures depicting 9-11 memorial services, and especially as I remember those brave men and women who knowingly sacrificed their lives on Flight 93. As I look around the room and realize these babies - these seventh graders - don't remember.  They were 4.  They have vague recollections of their parents watching, and they comprehend, but they don't remember.  I wipe tears from my eyes as I remember calling my roommate on my way to work, and waking her up to turn on the tv - thinking the DJ on the radio was playing a sick joke. 

I remember her silence punctuated with "Oh my God", "Oh my God." 
I remember the TV system at work being shut off so we could keep the day "normal" for our students.
I remember getting email updates throughout the day.
I remember, and I mourn for those families as their pain is still readily apparent on thier faces, and I pray that this country never suffers moments of horror like those again.
I remember.

well...

Still here, no baby yet.

Football has started.  You know you envy my life as a football widow on Sundays and Mondays...and sometimes Thursdays.

Dinner out with the fam last night.  Yum, onion blossom.  Enjoyed watching the Girl and her cousin with heads close together, sharing whatever secrets cousins share when surrounded by adults.

Was touched beyond belief when, apparently after watching me waddle out the back of church for a quick trip to the restroom, mid-service, a little old lady with a cane was coming out the door of the sanctuary as I was returning.  "I saw you leave and wanted to make sure you were ok, sweetie."  Melt my heart, m'am.

Doc calls it - "done"

38.5 weeks.

HUGE belly.

Dilated (2).

Head is extremely low.

HUGE burst of energy these last 2 days.

Doc says, "You won't be pregnant next week.  See you at the hospital."

GRIN

Carseat installed, camera downloaded and ready, and suitcase loaded.

 

(I am at work today.  Maybe my last one for a while?)

honey -do

So tired.
Honey, I hate to ask, but will you clean up the kitchen tonight? I am going to bed.

Got up at 5 to get some water.  Dishwaser was unloaded but nothing was washed or re-loaded.

GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR  Not exactly what I meant.

Craig

I introduced my husband to Craig's List after we sat in Babies-R-Us and he decided he could not survive this baby without a gliding chair.  They are NOT cheap!  So, we looked on Craig's list, although he was a bit hinky about it -- and not only did he find one he loves, he found it after he bought one he liked.  This is my husband...  So now, I have to convince him to re-post the first one and sell it in order to bring the second one home...  I did convince him to get rid of the red lazy-boy in exchange.  FINALLY.  The chair that is broken and uncomfortable, but is his oldest possession.. He agreed to donate it! 

We are finally in a stage that we can begin buying furniture that fits our home, since we own instead of rent... and it has been a long process to convince my husband that regardless of how much we have enjoyed a possession in the past, if it does not fit our home, it is time to pass it on to someone who can use and enjoy it.  This is a big step, for him to agree to get rid of the chair.  I deliberately turn on Hoarders to show him what our home will become if he is not willing to cycle old things out as new things come in... I have emotional attachments to some things as well, but walking around things to just have them is not my dream  and we simply do not have the storage space to just keep things forever.  

On the other hand, the people who were selling the glider he bought last night were seriously downsizing, and they currently have our dream home, complete with dream decor... so we also acquired a bedroom set, a curio cabinet and the biggest TV you ever saw.  No, seriously.  THE BIGGEST.  Forget going to the movies, I will give you a great rate to sit in my living room - popcorn is on the house. 

***
Went through boxes of baby clothes yesterday.  Don't you just love the tiny little tshirts and onsies?  We oooh's and awww'd over the precious items and told the Girl stories of her baby-hood.  I broke out the Dreft and washed the tiniest little dresses and pantlets, socks so small they make your heart ache, beanies and caps to keep a new little head warm...

Soon, soon... Mama is ready, sweet girl.  See you soon.

Non-combat troops

So our president announces the mission in Iraq is over.  Last troops are in route to home.  Except for the 50,000 non-combat troops who will remain in place.

"Honey, what is a non-combat troop?"
"You are looking at it."

Sweet.  Aviation and avaition support are classified as "non-combat".  An email from the command confirms we are still slated to deploy next year.

Awesome.

well?

I just don't feel right.  Not wrong, exactly, not sick, just... not... right.  Does that mean my time is near?  Or that I ate bad mac and cheese and too much lemon cake?

I am going out for spicy Mexican food tonight.  If my time is near, that'll do it... so they say.  But I may have a few weeks yet. 

My feet are swollen.
I waddle.
I am so tired.

But I sure do love being pregnant.
I can't wait to meet her!

Waddle, waddle Quack, quack

As my teammate jokingly rubs his belly everytime I walk by
As my friends, neighbors, collegues often ask, "Are you ok?"
                as I move slowly across a room
As my husband refrains from grinning
                as I grunt to stand up
As I run quickly out of breath walking down the hall
As my hip-bones splay wider in preparation
As my newest baby pushes down on my genital-femeral nerve
                 and my bladder
As my doc and hubs go out of town
As I am not ready yet

Baby is soon to come.

5 weeks? probably not

The Baby

• has turned.  Head down, spine to my left, feet to my right.  (For the non-moms, this is a good thing.)
• has not grown any new parts.  Still a girl.  :)
• kicks like mad.
• will probably come early.  Doc says pretty good chance based on size, position, how I feel, and the face that the Girl came 2 weeks early. Therefore the shower my SIL offered to throw will be a welcome-baby shower instead of a pre-baby shower.  The daddy thinks that is weird.  I do not care.  (PS, SIL, if you are reading this, I forgot to tell you there is a friend who wants to help.  Forgot to tell you in my disorientation yesterday when I saw you!)

The Doc

• complimented my pedicure while he was doing his thing.  That was a bit weird.  I think I said "Gee, thanks."   HAHA

mommy in tears

So the girl is at the dentist.  She is having 5 pulpectomies and caps put on. that requires either conscious sedation, a mummy bag, and multiple visits... or one visit and general sedation.  We opted for the second, hoping it would be less traumatic and being pretty sure she would not tolerate either multiple visits or the constraint.  Yes, my baby is asleep. That scares the hell out of me.  Daddy wanted to take her, and I let him.  I also let him convince me to go to work. As they drove away this morning, I kept a smile pasted to my face and blew kisses, then turned around and burst into tears.  This was a bad idea.

***
We all survived.  I rushed home for a 10 minute visit at lunch.  She is groggy, wobbly, and sore.  But she is OK, eating jello. And applesauce. 

***
Now, appointment at the OB today to see what the other girl is up to...

Well,  I am back to work teaching, the Girl is in first grade (!!!) and loving it, the Daddy is back from several LOOOONNNNGGG weeks out-of-town.  Life is (almost) back to normal again. 

My belly is E-normous.  He says he does not remember me getting this round last time, and Little One is definitely an acrobat.  My favorite thing this week was when The Daddy and I were cuddling in bed and he suddenly jumped and exclaimed over the fact that he could feel her move through my stomach and his own.  I have few clothes that fit, and fewer that are suitable in this weather, but I found a few things in the back of my closet, and bought just 3 dresses and one blouse to see me through the next 5 weeks.   FIVE WEEKS!  I go for my 35 week check up this week, and we will start sonograms to check the baby's position.   I look at what is still to be done at home and at work to prepare, and am a little overwhelmed.  Add to that, the Girl was 2 weeks early AND I was not tracking my periods, so am not positive when I got pregnant...  So, really... anytime in the next few weeks could be it!... YIKES!

The girl is having dental work done and Daddy has called dibs on being the parent to go in the room with her.  I am struggling to let go, and struggling to be ok with letting him be in control, and with the fact that since I can do NOTHING but sit and wait, we decided I should go to work that day and take the next day off to stay home with her.   Really, the closer it gets, the less likely I think it will be that I will be ok not being there. I know it is not about me, and I trust that since this is the 3rd time she has been under general anesthesia, AND that it was me there the last two times, that she will be OK without me.  The one thing I love most about the Daddy is that he is an amazing, attentive, sensitive father and I know he will do as well as I would meeting her needs that morning.  But still, what if my baby asks for Mommy and I am not there???

gratitude

I am grateful for:

1.  Good friends who will come through in a pinch when I need them. 
2.  A child care plan that came together quickly for my back-to-school week, after what I thought was going to be a workable plan did not work out. Reference number one.
3.  A husband who calls when he finds himself unexpectedly in an situation he is not sure I would be ok with, just to check.
4.  The ability to pay it forward.
5.  Connecting with family far away.
6.  Lots of rain this week.  'Cause I surely hate to water the outside plants!
7.  The aggravating clutter in my house, because it indicates the abundance with which we are blessed.

my loves and life

Yesterday, we spent quite some time on the phone, discussing things that are important in our marriage.  It is interesting to me that these conversations usually happen over the phone when he is gone on business.  Whether it is the missing each other, or the distractions that happen at home, I am not sure why it works out that these conversations are usually over the phone, but it is a joy to spend some time learning even more about each other, even after 8 years. I revel in some of the things I am told during these conversations, and am humbled by the amount of trust and open-ness, which he confesses he never envisioned having with anyone.  I know I can share my inner-most soul, my deepest, darkest secrets, my every need with this man - and that there is no judgement, just understanding and compassion and love.

It is also lovely that, after almost a decade of knowing each other, there are still things to learn and appreciate about one another. 
***

The Girl wrote "I love my Dad" for me on my pregnant belly to text to him, then decided she needed to get in on the action and drew all - and I mean ALL - over herself to text as well. He was laughing so hard when he called that I could barely understand him.  It was priceless.
***

As we enter my 8th month of pregnancy, we are amazed at how fast my belly is popping out.  I am working on rearranging rooms so that our girls (!!!) will share a room.  Not an easy task when I am not to put more than 30 pounds of pressure on my abs.  The friends who have offered to help have yet to arrive, and I am impatient a week later.  I am so excited to have everything ready in case the Baby comes sooner than expected.  And I cannot wait until Daddy gets home to go through the baby clothes and accessories, and the memories, as we pull out the things we saved 6 years ago.  I want it perfect when he gets home (minus the painting parts, which will just have to wait). 

mommy guilt

I am reminded that I had an assignment this month in my book study group = to make a list of things I may have once felt guilty aobut, or things you may think I should feel guilty about, but are actually things I will not and do not feel guilty about:

1.  That I had to be reminded to make the list.
2.  That I let my child stay up late so that she will sleep in so that I can sleep in, during summer vaca.
3.  That I hate to clean
4.  That I tell my child no.  A lot.  even if she cries and tells me she hates me.
5.  That I put my husband at the center.
6.  That I have, on more than one occasion, placed myself on the other side of a locked door until my temper cooled.
7.  That I have apologized to my 6-year old.
8.  That I tell her the truth, as soon as she is old enough to ask the question.
9.  That I allow her to watch TV while I nap

The cat is away

Dropped Daddy at the airport at 6 AM.  We were rushed, and therefore so was the goodbye.  He'll be gone for 3 weeks.  Sigh.

I came home and pulled the covers over my head for a few more hours, but since the girl did not, I was awakened during every commercial for an update on the action of whatever show happened to be on.

Once I was up, the requests for pizza began, as they do every time the Daddy is away - he is NOT a fan of pizza, so we get it once a month or so.  I am envisioning lots of pizza over the next few weeks.  Haha

***
Ok, so about the blame game.  Truly hate it.  I got blamed for something I'm 100% sure I did not do, but in order to keep the peace, simply apologized for "if it was my fault" and set about helping to fix the problem.  No real issue there.  But when the blame did not stop and started getting ugly, I chose to stand up for myself.  Note to self:  not worth it.  But as the trivial incident erupted into ridiculous, I reflected on the finger pointing we all are prone to.  And so often, we don't know a thing about what we are really talking about.  There are two sides in any disagreement and if you do not open your heart to see that, then at least refrain from sharing your one-sided judgements with me. 

And the day I can actually say that out loud instead of simply walking away will either be my finest hour or my Waterloo.

***
For the third or fourth year in a row, suicides among and homocides of veteran soldiers is at a record high.  Just recently, we lost two more men my husband knew, one well, one an acquaintance.  It makes me sick, sad, fearful.  I know my husband is in as good a place emotionally as he can be right now, but there have been times of anxiety and depression.  As we gear up for a new deployment, please keep these men and women in your prayers for their safe service, and safe, happy return to home.

Doesn't help that the sand around his last base was determined to contain toxic levels of several compounds that the native residents have developed tolerances to, but to which America soldiers are highly suseptible.  *Surprise*  And what is being done to treat these soldiers?????  Yeah, that is what I thought.

***
Pizza is here.
Priorities. :)
Love, me

untitled

We are prepping for a week in the mountains.  I know this is a trip we need to take, Daddy really wants to.  But it has been a hard weekend as the Twin is in the forefront of his mind.  His head dropped against me, his forehead on mine, his cheek to my shoulder, or his chin to my hair, with a sigh "I miss Scott," more often than I could count this last few days.  He twitches in his sleep, which means he is having a bad dream, and as I gently wake him up, he whispers "Thank you" each time.  I am not sure how he is going to do this weekend, and honestly, I am anxious.  I wish he did not want to stay so long, frankly. 

***
The Girl is going through a ridiculously sassy stage.  If I have heard "I hate you," "You are the worst mommy ever,"  "I wish I was in a different family," once, I have heard it a thousand times lately.  I am OVER it.  I am SO ready to bust out the bar of soap. I would so appreciate a night off, but here is the reality:  Moms rarely get those. I shudder to envision age 13 when age 6 looks like this.  If you are reading, be aware you may get a call that she is on her way, with a FULL suitcase, at any moment, whether you are in Arizona, Colorado, Ohio, or Turkey.  (Either that, or I am!!) :)


Be forewarned. 

***
Went to the Dr yesterday.  Alone, not good, because this time was a bit anxiety-provoking.  Started out ok - I only gained one pound (which is a total gain of only 2 pounds since my first pregnancy visit!), my belly has grown 4 cm, my BP is great.  However, the fetal heartrate was at 177.  That is 27 bpm more than usual.  If it peaks high like that, then drops to normal, that is good.  But at the 3 minute mark, both the PA and I were starting to get anxious.  "What did you eat?"  "Have you had caffiene today?"  and so on.  Finally she says, lets get some more water in you,  maybe you are just dehydrated.  Did I mention I was not in the least bit thirsty???  But 4 glasses of water and 30 minutes later, I was scared when  I suddenly broke out in a sweat.  Head to toe, no glistening perspiration here, but full body soaked in a matter of seconds - in spite of air conditioning, water, deodorant - I had sweat dripping from every pore of my body - running down my stomach, my back, my legs - even my hair suddenly was soaked; it was awful. And frightening.  I quickly told the nurse and they got me back into a room, and took my vitals.  Turns out, two minutes later I was absolutely chilled to the bone. 

However, my fetal signs all were back to normal.  She was kicking normally as well.  Doc hands me an apple juice and forbids me to leave just yet.

Turns out I was dehydrated, and did not even realize it.  Then she determined my blood sugar was too low, causing the sweats and chills. (No one has ever told me I do not eat enough.  Ever.) Another 20 minutes and we were both back to normal, and I was sent on my way with orders to take it easy the rest of the day and call if the sweats came back.  Nice.

Fortunately, we both seem to be OK today - I feel good.

One of those days

It is one of those days where I feel disconnected, discombobulated, and isolated.  I know it is the depression rearing its ugly head to see if I will give in - I won't - but that does not mean the tears aren't falling for no good reason anyway. 

So that reminds me of the purpose - the gratitude I started this page acknowledging:

1.  The fresh new life burrowed under my heart, kicking with strength and regularity, reminding me she is growing strong and healthy

2.  Jobs, in this uncertain economy where so many who are looking cannot find one.

3.  The Daddy is home for a while as orders have changed and been shifted around.

4.  The Daddy is NOT leaving for Iraq next month, thanks to the CO, who says the team is not ready.  Surprise!  We didn't even know the option to go so soon was on the table.

5.  The Girl who MUST have a little mermaid in her, as she always claims.  She is my water baby - swimming the width of the Grandparent's pool underwater.  Just all of a sudden she decided to do it.  Alrighty then.

6.  The ache in my bum and my triceps, telling me the workouts are having some effect. 

Ok, that worked, eyes are dry. 
Love-me

Reflections

I look in the mirror.
 I see the woman:
the mother,
 the wife,
the sister,
 the daughter,
the friend,
 the aunt,
the teacher... 
I see me.

Sometimes that glass darkens
and blurrs
and I forget
to look through the poorly reflected image
 to the real me,
the one inside. 

The one that needs to take time
to be the wife
and mother
 first. 

The one that cries
tears of joy,
tears of anger,
tears of sadness
so easily
But forgets to laugh

It is time to forget
those tears of anger
tears of sadness
meaningless chores
and imposed responsibilities.
To forget what others say
I need
and meet my own needs

chase my own dreams

Find the woman
behind
the
reflection

Hotel living

I think we have spent more time living in hotels than at home the last few weeks, and I know it is true for the Daddy.  There is something exciting about leaving home with your suitcase to try something new for a few days. 

There is something even better about coming home and sleeping in your own bed. 

We have run the gamit of hotels lately - from the surprisingly nice Motel 6 at Disneyland to the bare-bones, no frills base hotel, to the dirty dive the troops were moved to, to the posh resort the Girl and I were treated during my work conference. 

One thing that remains the same however, is if there is a pool, mija is happy.  Especially if she has some friends to swim with.  She can make a friend anywhere - in that way only young children can. 

It makes me think of my childhood penpal - whom I met at a pool in North Carolina where we were both on vacation with our families, and both about 10 years old.  We have recently connected on Facebook - and it was so bizzarre!  We don't know who we know in common, and I did not have her email, but one day she mysteriously popped up on my "You may know..." list. It has been fun to reconnect.

Misc random odds and ends

Nuh uh.  Really?  REALLY?  REALLY?  REALLY?  PUKE!  Ok, now that I got that off my chest... moving on.

Had fun yesterday helping a friend pick colors and a pattern for a new kids-room paint job.  Couldn't stay for the painting, due to the fumes, but can't wait to see the finished project.

Will be helping the Girl fix up her doll-house that was made by my husband's grandfather for his mother when she was a girl.  It was a belated birthday gift, and has spent some time in the heat in her shed, so it needs some TLC -- splintered wood, peedling paint.  But what a keepsake.  My dollhouse was thrown away  -- without my permission -- after I moved into my first apartment. But what fond memories I have of working with my parents to make it just how I wanted it - complete with curtains, carpet and the works - and then hours playing with it. 

Finally heard from my hubs after several days of no contact - I hate that! - of course I was sound asleep when he finally texted for the first time this week, but he told me when to be on stand-by for a phone call.  It is like when he deployed and would email me what time he would be able to call... Gee, such memories. And foreshadowing of the good times to come. (Read lots of sacrasm into that tone!)

Gearing up for a conference out to town - complete with a nanny in tow, since Daddy can't come - at a posh resort.  Looking forward to it.  Attending with my boss, so that should be interesting!

Got invited to a "passion party" tonight; no sitter yet so not sure if I am going, but those things are hysterical.  I hosted one when Daddy's unit was returning home, for the wives club.  I also hosted a Pampered Chef party once.  They sell way more at passion parties, FYI, for I saw the final sales figures for both events.  Just an observation. 

Lots to do today, so I am off-
Love, me

Promise kept 3

Waiting to begin Kinder Graduation.

A is for the Alephabet we practiced eveyday!

My Future is so Bright...

My baby goes to first grade!!

Promise kept 2

The Girl takes on the Daddy in a swordfight!

Ignore my crooked hat.  You can tell a BOY took the picture. :)

Now THAT is a belly shot.  Hey Baby!

(Yep, hat still crooked.  Same photographer)

Promise kept 1

We are really at Disneyland?!?!

Can I meet a princess?  (Or 3?) 

Apparently you learn the pose at Princess School.

And even Daddy got a little princess action.  He doesn't look TOO disappointed that it is not Ariel or Cinderella, does he?

Yep, baby belly!  Hi Tori!

The pics are out of order - this is when we first arrived - The Girl still does not know where we are.

We had a blast!!

Gone 8 hours

He has been gone 8 hours and I am lonely already.  Silly, I know, because if it were a normal week, he'd be at work anyway.  There is something about knowing he will be gone most of the summer that makes this first day so lonely.  And NO ONE is answering their phone GRRRRRRRRRRRRR.  

I know he is feeling it too, since he asked if I minded if he spend the gas money to come home a couple of times - even if just to sleep.  Please do!  And once the FARP is set up and they get a routine going, would we come down and stay at a nearby hotel for a few days so we can catch a few hours together.  Yes please!

I look around and there are signs of his disorganized, hasty exit at 3:30 this morning.  I remember him waking me up to say goodbye, and asking me some questions - I remember neither the questions nor the answers, so I am not sure how reliable those answers might have been... My couch is covered with discarded ACU's, apparently neither needed nor wanted this time... the loveseat strewn with extra laundry he washed but did not take...  My phone blips with text messages, and I jump to see if one is from him. 

I remember teasing a friend when she complained she missed her husband so much that she was a bit depressed when he had been gone a week, and I swore in my independance that would never be me.  HA.

UPDATE:  He called as I posted this and asked me to come down for the night.  No sitters available, so the girl goes too, begging to be left behind!  Too last minute to make it work for an overnight for her, but next time!

The recap and recovery

We left the house around midnight, slept in the truck for an hour around 4 AM and rolled into our hotel at 6 AM.  Dad and I slept for a few hours and then we walked to Disneyland. 

The trip was a blast. The girl took FOREVER to figure out where we were - but once she did, she wason cloud nine. The weather was beautiful, overcast and comfortable. We beat the summer rush, so the lines were pretty short everywhere. She got to meet the princesses and get autographs. Daddy got his Goofy pirate hat (and wore it camping - hahaha).   It was fun to hear the Daddy reminisce about the last trip he took there - fifteen or twenty years ago - with his sisters and their families.  (Court - he thinks you were about the Girl's age).  The Girl and I got to wear our buttons, proudly proclaiming us to be first time visiters. 


I wasn't able to participate in everything, but it was a true joy to watch my husband and daughter wave from the top of the Matterhorn and shout my name from the top of Tarzan's tree house (I sat out on trip number two to the top). I never knew - until I was a mother - the joy that could be had from being left behind and watching your child experience independence and joy.

We stayed until they kicked us out, grabbed some late dinner on the way back to the hotel, and slept.  And slept.  And slept.  Until past checkout time.  Oops.  They were pretty nice about it though - anf fortunately very forgiving.

Then off to camp. And the chaos that accompanies living out of a tent.  And midnight nightmares.  Of the 6-year-old variety.  Screaming.  In a tent.  About bugs.  We tried "Daddy used special no-bug medicine on your sleeping bag."  "Trade pillows with mommy - there are no bugs on mine." "WAKE UP!"  All to to avail. 

"Did your daughter have a nightmare last night?"  Yes, what was your first clue?  Besides that she woke you up screaming from 3 tents away? 

Poor baby. She is nightmare prone - night terrors when she was smaller, and she has the recurring "bug" nightmare - we think she gets it when she starts a growth spurt.  She just doesn't feel right in her own skin and the only way she can describe it is "bugs on her." 

She got to play in a "boxing tournament" - by which she means "boffer tournament" - which is the nickname we give to foam swords for the kids to use- she had a ball with the other kids and the daddies.  We also got to shoot in an archery tournament together, and the MOMMY got a bull's eye!  Yay me!

We made it home in one piece, and I talked Daddy into parking the truck in the backyard and going straight to bed - which left me unpacking what I could. 

I am buried in suitcases, camping gear, laundry and mementos. My house looks like a hurricane hit, as I unpack, and Daddy packs to leave tonight for 3 weeks of training.  My SIL just texted and invited me to visit while he is gone, but I am pretty sure the Daddy would be awfully jealous! 

I promise pics a lot, but I am too tired to search for the camera right now, so give ma a few days and I will overwhelm you!

:) With love-
The Mommy

Vacation!

Well, vacation is here!  We leave tonight.  Unless we can sneak a weekend away, this will be our only vacation this summer - not counting the family trip to scatter Twin's ashes in the mountains (I am just not sure that is goign to feel like vacation at all).  We are surprising the Girl with a trip to DisneyLand tomorrow!  She knows we are goin g camping with our friends this weekend, but Daddy was able to get an extra day added to his Memorial Day long-weekend, so we leave tonight when he gets home from work and tomorrow morning, we are dragging her to The Happiest Place!

This is a hard secret to keep.  She can spell, so that does not help when trying to talk to other adults to make plans.  I have had to lock her out of the bathroom so I could make my calls, get on-line when she is not paying attention, etc.  Daddy ALMOST blew it last night, but she was so wound up she did not hear him say the D world.  I even passed a note explaining exactly what I wanted to purchase to the teller at the MWR where I bought the tickets, with a smile on my face and "Please help me keep our secret," so she wouldn't think I was trying to rob her!  The Girl was dancing around saying, "Give me a hint, give me hint,"  as the teller and I burst out laughing -- the entire office was decorated with Mickey Mouse paraphenalia!  "No hints, sissy!"  I replied.

Yesterday and today are errand and packing days - tires to rotate and oil to change, fill the gas tank and vacuum out the car, packing for the 2 distinct halves of our trip, a cooler to buy, and if time gets short and I still can't find the missing camp crate - a tarp, an air pump, a flashlight, stakes... The camping part is one of our historical recration events, so in addition to all the traditional camping gear, I also need to finish packing for all three of us and altering (letting out hems!) the Girl's costumes, pack both day (warm weather) and night (cool weather) costumes and real clothes...

I better go get started!!!

Last day of school

Kindergarten is officially over.  Today the girl got to meet her first greade teacher and spend some time in her first grade classroom.  We had a promotion ceremony/performance for the Kinders on Tuesday.  My girl was the letter A in "Kindergarten":  "A is for the ABCs that we practiced every day," she announced with such excitement the audience cracked up.  When she put on the sunglasses to sing "My Future's so Bright" and "Hit the Road Jack", I had to laugh.

But when I made eye contact with the daddy, I lost it.  Tears of joy, of pride, of sentiment welled up. My baby just started Kindergarted a minute ago.  And just yesterday, she was learning to walk.  And the day before that, I found out I was pregnant.  How does the time go so fast?!?

love and gratitude

1.  My husband randomly calls out "Love you" through the house, especially when I am in another room.  Makes me giddy. Our daughter does it now too. 
2.   He also kisses random body parts as he walks by - whatever is in reach - foot, shoulder, arm... whatever is conveniently close.
3.   We are planning a trip to the Happiest Place on Earth.  Don't tell - it is a secret.
4.   The Girl was promoted to first grade today.  OH MY
5.  School is out this Thursday.
6.  My June conference is at a very posh resort.  One of the only 5 star resorts in Arizona.  Good thing neither I nor the school district has to pay for it.
7.  The technology teacher had the type of video tape I need for this afternoon.  No rush to the store for me and good thing, since I do not have time.

she is brilliant

Have I shared that the Girl is gifted?  Duh, right, every mom thinks that.  No, seriously.  After repeated recommendations from other teachers, I finally requested that she be tested.  Yep, scientifically speaking, she is gifted, and will be started gifted classes next fall. 

My child, she pretended she could not read so that I would read to her.  Nope, says her teacher, make her read - she reads for me all the time.  Typical, says the gifted teacher, school comes easy, so even at her age they will take the easy way out since they don't have to work as hard to be successful.  HMMMPF.  We will see how often we fall for this!

Thinks outside the box all the time.  Wish I could think of an example, but I actually get how her mind works, so she does not often catch me totally off guard - I can usually see the connections.  But this is what made the other teachers start advising we get testing.

Today I said something about dinosaurs and cavemen while reading a story (this is a cherished part of our evening, whether she can read the book on her own or not).  She rolled her eyes and told me, "mom, they never lived at the same time.  maybe a caveman found a fossil or something, but that is it."  Shheeeesh. 

the weekend in review

Friday afternoon started with a request from the Daddy to meet him at the RV dealership.  No, we did not buy anything, but his parents did.  Very nice. 

Then he had to go in to work, but upon talking to the crew chief, realized he could not do alone what they needed him to do, so he started making phonecalls.  Ended up that his brother was available, but we though he had his kids, so off to the in-laws I went to mind all the children, only to find out the children were not there.  Home again for the girl and me, off to work until well after I was in bed went the Daddy.

Saturday, we had lunch out for Mother's Day, since I refuse to see the joy in fighting the crowds at any restuarant on Mother's Day Sunday.  Then back to ohh and ah over the RV and to swim at the in-laws.

coincidence

is it weird I got the same Mothers day card in the mail as the one I sent in the mail today?

this and that and the other

• Sitting in an assembly today, the teacher next to me starts to giggle.  "What?"  I ask.  She points to my belly and we both watch it roll and pulsate.  The polka dot dress made it especially funny.
• I was more dressed up than usual one day last week, and one of my 7th grade boys says, "Your husband is a lucky man."  (Duh.) :)
• I only have to wake up on 2 more Mondays before summer break.
• I gained 5 pounds in the last 5 weeks.  No way that is all baby.
• I have been asked to attend a second conference this summer.  This one is paid, and in town.  Child care still an issue.  Why is that always the Mommy's job to figure out?
• Today is Teacher Appreciation day.  I am not feeling very appreciated.  Maybe free dinner at Applebees will help.  Doubtful, though.

Controversy

We were weighing our options in regard to genetic testing, and whether we wanted to put ourselves through that; the rate of false positives, the risks of amnio on a healthy baby, etc.  During that conversation, someone actually said to my husband and me, "It depends on if you are pro-life or pro-death."  Really?  I thought the one side was called pro-choice. Now, I am not here to debate politics or morality, so please, let's not (so if I can figure out how to turn off the comments, I will). However, I was very taken aback.  I happen to be of a two-fold mind on this issue - one is in regard to my own morality, and one is in regard to forcing anyone else to live according to my morality.  Therefore,  I happen to believe morally in one position, and politically in the other.  And neither is pro-death. 

I personally see very few -if any - reasons that I might choose other than to take a pregnancy to term.  That is my own moral viewpoint, it is what is right for me, for my family, for my views on religion and love and sex and family itself.   However, I see more reasons why someone else may choose to make a different decision than I would.  For all my complaining and self-pity about certain aspects of my life, for all the times I lacked self-esteem, I always was safe, I always had someone I knew loved me, I have never had to deal with the truly dark parts of this world.  But I know there are women and girl who have not had that same experience and know that I could never tell them that they must choose what I would choose.  "Judge not, lest ye be judged."  Matthew 7:1

To call the one side "pro-life" and the other "pro-death" is to belittle the moral, spiritual, emotional and sometimes physical trauma that I think most women find themselves in if faced with this issue.  Choice allows you choose.  Hence the name.  It allows the choice of life, which is not the equivalent of the offensive name this position was labeled.  I understand the concept of opposites; but in this case - in my and just my opinion - the political sides of this issue are not opposites.  I am pro-choice.  For you.  And pro-life.  For me. The two are not mutually exclusive and my political views allow me to excercise my moral views.  Hence "choice".

Baby Girl

She has a name.
She looks great on ultrasound.
We need to decide on sleeping arrangements (and I finally got to toss one of Daddy's favorite lines back at him - "I am not asking your permission, I am just asking your opinion."  Response: "(grin) Fair enough!")
She is creating a hard little lump in the middle of my abdomen - no more stonach sleeping for me.

I can't wait to meet her. :)

A girl!

• A sister for the big Girl, for which she was fervently praying.
• The Daddy can still say "my girls,"  which I love.  As in, "I have to get home to my girls."
• We saved everything the big Girl ever wore or played with (or had it returned if it was still wearable when her cousin out-grew it)
• Sisters can share a room easily
• Said room can remain girlie-girl

We'd have been happy for a boy, too, but I must say we are tickled.  Pink.  Tee hee.

This morning, the Girl - just turned  6 - tells me that 3 times 3 is 6. I explain that 3x3 is actually 9, and why. A split second passed.

“Then 3x4 is 12.”
Yes, yes it is. What is 3x5?
“Let me think... 15.”

We went on to 2x2, 2x3 (at which point she informs me that 3x2 and 2x3 are the same thing), and so on.

Really? She counts addition problems by making dots on her homework, but can multiply in her head???

public or private

i am having a bit of an internal debate on whether to keep this public or private.  it is not like strangers are dropping by (that I know of), but considering my profession, i need to be a little leary.  I think I will close up again, so leave a comment or email me if you want access.
thanks

A soldier's wife

We spent the weekend at the on-post hotel where the Daddy works the occasional weekend, since we had a military Family Day to attend on Sunday.  I particularly wanted to attend the morning meeting with his CO, since spouses were particularly requested to attend.

And at which we got the official (current - it will probably change) timeline for the Daddy's next deployment.

A year and a half. 

From now.

He will be leaving for Iraq.

He is excited. 

That is hard to hear, but makes me so proud at the same time.

I am not so excited.  But I will not share that with him. Since I am sure he already knows.

Last time, he was gone a year and a half.

This time is supposed to be shorter - closer to 12 when it is all said and done.

That is still a LOOOOONNNG time. 

A long scary time.  I am already having bad dreams.

But it is a part of who he is.  He has a need to serve in that way.  I married him knowing we would likely have this to look forward to.

We have been through this before and I know we can do it again.

trees

I bought my husband an early Father's Day/late Anniversary gift.  It counts for both, since it blew my budget.   I got him a BIG tree.  A 36 inch box tree - Australian Bottle Tree.  It is shaped like--- you guessed it, a bottle.  Tall and slender.  Then he and I had to figure out how to get it into the ground.  Yeah, preggo me, with a weight restriction of no more than 30 pounds, and him with ongoing back problems.   But we did it.  Sat on my butt and pushed with my feet while he bore all the weight of the tree itself.  And its roots.  And dirt.  So awkward, but we make quite the team. 

For my birthday, he got me a climbing rose bush, and an Apple tree.  Are you sensing a trend?  But how excited am I that he picked two of my favorite things?  The Apple already has two small apples growing on it, and we'll probably let those two ripen but pinch of the rest this season, and maybe next, but what fun will it be to tell the kids to go outside and pick an apple to put in their lunch for school?  Girl already eats her tomoatoes as fast as they turn red on the vine, so we never have any extra.  Time to get the rest of my veggies in the ground, but I need to wait until Daddy gets his planting done so decisions can be made on location...

kicking

Well, I have been feeling flutters for a few weeks, if I am really still and lay on my side, I know there is some swimming going on in my tummy.  I am at just over 4 months (almost 1/2 way!!) and I know it is early, but I felt the Girl around the same time.  Little butterfly flutters and the occasional larger "roll".  Daddy has been humoring me by placing his hand on my tummy... but last night he felt one of the 3 that I felt while he patiently kept his hand on my growing belly.  The Girl tried later, and she "felt it, Mommy!" even though I felt nothing.  Wishful thinking for her.  Wait til she can sit across the room and watch my belly roll in a few months!

The month of our marriage, moths to a flame

I wrote this last month, but never published it... Here you go.

So, we were dating.  It was...interesting.  And lovely.  And interesting.    We enjoyed many of the same things. But we definitely prioritized differently. Friends were more important than relationships for him and more than once I felt let down and embarassed when he would be late because he and his friends lost track of time.  I began to be kind of a nag, I admit it.  That is not fun.  For either of us.  So, we stopped dating.  Sort of.   Time and again we would end up back together. Nothing official, but like moths to a flame, we both continued to be drawn in, even at times when the relationship was not the best one for either of us. You know the show Friends?  Well, we are the real-life versions of Ross and Rachel.  Friends, in love, friends, on a break, seeing other people, together but secretively, living together, parents together, living apart, on a break, friends, in love again, living together, and finally married.  It was a long, bumpy road, and more than once, one of us or the other would throw in the towel.  Enough.  It was just too hard.  It was not supposed to be that hard. At one time, he said this was the most dysfunctional relationship he had ever been in.  He was probably right - then.  But, the reality is that the path that led us here - including the heartbreak, the hurt, the confusion, the fear, was as meaningful - if much less enjoyable - part of the journey as the good parts -- of which there have been so very many.  Without them, neither of us would be the spouse we are today.  We fight.  Like crazy sometimes.  But it is funny how those fights have changed.  The arguments are about stuff and situations, not about each other. They are arguments within a secure confines that divorce is not an option.  Leaving is not a threat.  "We are through" is not a possibility.  It is safe to say what I mean, what I need, what I want... and know that I am heard - with as little defensiveness as possible. 

For him, marriage changed the relationship.  It became different for him.  Attitudes about me, about family, all shifted into a different mode.  I do not understand the difference for him.  Why the word "wife" means something so wholely different than girlfriend or even fiancee. But I like the difference.  It results in a whole difference for me - a better level of trust and security.  A lack of fear.  A confidence in him that I was unable to have before. A lack of wondering. 

Had we been married in the beginning, I have no doubt we'd be one of those couples who married and divorced quickly, and made their friends shake their heads in disbelief as we dated after the divorce.  Because he is it for me.  All the times one of us walked away - and we both did our fair share - we were always drawn back.  We share a child - now two.  Contact between us would always have been a given.  But we were drawn to each other, not just to her. 

We are at 8 years together, just starting our life as a married couple.  At the point at which you hear about the "seven-year itch", we are strong in our committment to each other, drawing together at that time marker in a relationship when many begin to pull apart.

Do I expect it to be perfect?  Of course not.  And we are not.  He is still always late.  I am still something of a nag.  There are still character flaws that we both tiptoe around, and ones we acknowledge privately but choose to ignore.   But we have been through the big crises.  The REALLY BIG ONES.  And we have come out the other end even more ready to commit our lives to each other.  We know how to deal with Hell and High Water.  We have already been there, done that.  I know it will happen again - all marriages face times of crisis, and ours will be no exception.  But we will survive.  We already have.

I love him.

Assorted thoughts and ideas...

1. Did not want to go to work to day.
2. My plastic adjustor clip on the strap on my bra-tank-top thingy broke, so it is stabbing me.  My friend wrapped duct tape around it.  Better now.
3.  Apparently I am going to need to file a tax extension, because we need lots of new documentation this year that I will need to compile, but did not know about.
4.  There is nothing like working on a house project together to learn new things about your spouse.  Try it.
5.  Am an expert procrastinator.  Ask me about it.  I will tell you later.
6. My rice was simultaneously mushy and burnt last night.  How can this happen?
7. I want to go home now.
8.  :)

Quite the weekend, random memories of the Girl's birth

Friday, I mentioned to the school secretary that my science classes would be spending the day in 'the Habitat', which is two acres on the school grounds, containing an enclosed desert habitat, as well as a pond containing endangered fish that that some how has become my responsibilty...my boss overheard and asked if she could do my professional observation and eval during my class out there - no pressure... but it all went well, and my eval was great. 

We had dinner at my in-laws, and got a chance to visit with the Daddy's aunt and cousin (and her family) in from Colorado.  The Girl got to play with her second cousins?  cousins once removed?  I don't know - Daddy's cousin's children.  We got home in time for me to hard boil some eggs to dye, and read story and crash into bed.

Update:  Because I am anal about these things... I looked it up:  The children were the Daddy's First Cousins, Once Removed, (because they are one generation "removed" from first cousins - the children of his first cousin) but that makes them the Girls' Second Cousins (share great-grandparents, but not grandparents). That may make them my First-Cousins-Once-Removed-In-Law, but we may be on the edge of ridiculous...   Don't you feel better now?

Saturday, we had a landscape delivery, so my hubs has some BIG holes to dig today in the backyard so we can get our trees in the ground.  I took the Girl to an Easter-egg hunt at church, then dropped her off at home, ran to the store for birthday presents (in my rush, got the wrong size shorts and didn't notice until she tried to put them on this morning!). 

Home in time to dye easter eggs, change my clothes and comb my hair, then off to the Daddy's other cousin's wedding.  It was lovely!  The Girl caught the bouquet, effectively earning me a glare from the Daddy.  (She is not to do that again until she is 13, he says).  She ran around afterward singing "I'm a Single Lady" by Beyonce. I won a centerpiece of lucky bamboo, but most important, Daddy's cousin and friend married his best friend and they looked so happy!  The Grandpa teared up watching the little cousins all play like Daddy and his cousins did when they were little, and everyone got a bit emotional thinking of the Twin.   Got home in time to put the girl to bed at a reasonable time (sort of), fell asleep, and woke up in a panic with the Daddy shaking me to remind me the Easter bunny would need to come soon, and we had gifts to wrap.  By the way, these types of responsibilities invariably fall on me.

7AM Sunday morning, and the Girl was up 30 minutes earlier than she was allowed to wake us, but it was an emergency!  So I made her close her eyes and walked her to the bathroom, while I made sure that the Easter bunny had left everything ready-to-go, and started the coffee.  She woke Daddy, camera was ready, and so was she.  Easter-eggs hunts are a hoot.  This is the first year she got to find real eggs instead of waiting for her cousin to arrive and hunting for plastic ones, and she did need a few hints... I taught her how to peel a boiled egg, and she liked it, except the yucky yellow.  Oh well. :) 

Daddy was a little aggravated that the Easter bunny brought his favorite candy for him too, but he couldn't get left out!  We shared some quiet reflection on the meaning(s) of the day - Daddy cannot handle the large crowds and pure volume of Easter Sunday church service - last year he had to walk out and sit outside until the service was over, so we decided to forego in deference to his anxiety this year.


The girl opened some gifts - it was her birthday, too!-  and we went out to lunch at Steakhouse - her choice, every year!   We came home in time to feel the earthquake - my first one - I thought I was just pregnant-dizzy!  (Neither Daddy nor I realized what was going on until we compared notes this morning after I watched the news.)  We both decided to lay down - and we both think we had mild food-poisoning from the steak. :(  After a quick nap, we cleaned the house, and finished just in time to greet the in-laws and cousins for a birthday party/Easter gathering for dessert - chocolate eggs, jelly beans, and ice cream cake. Life is good...

Can it really be that my baby is actually 6 years old?  My little girl, who wore my socks this morning because she couldn't find her own - and they fit!!! 

Can it really be that 6 years ago today I was in complete panic mode as I learned I would have to be completely sedated while they removed my ruptured gall-bladder?  That I had to acknowledge that sometimes, albeit rarely, people do not wake up from anesthesia?  That I had to agree to take that chance - leaving my brand new baby to head down to the OR - because otherwise I would likely die of infection eventually?  That I wept from joy as I realized I was awake and could hold her in my arms?  That afterward, I painfully pumped the milk from my breasts that would contained enough anesthesia that it would have poisoned my baby, and watched her daddy feed her formula from a bottle as they threw my milk away (in a hazardous waste container!).

We stayed in the maternity ward until it was safe for me to go home, and the day we were to go, we - the Girl and I - had to wait while the Daddy drove around with our friend looking for a fireman to approve his installation of the car seat (I may need to do that early this time!).

Other Random thoughts on her birth:
1.  I remember very little detail, and have to ask the Daddy most details - time, weight, etc. 
2.  My labor was 40 hours.
3.  I wore a 38 D going in, and a 44 DDD leaving.  I actually needed a larger cup, but it was the biggest my mom could find.
4.  I was assigned to the backseat for the ride home, as the Daddy was so nervous about her. 
5.  Truth is, I was assigned to the backseat until we turned her seat around, anytime we were all in the car.  Again the nervous Daddy. Nevermind that I eventually drove her by myself sometimes...
6.  We drove 15 miles per hour all the way home from the hospital.  Literally.  Nervous Daddy again.
7.  I was literally one push away from a C-section - the doc was scrubbing in - when the nurse came in to say, "After 40 hours, are you really going to surgery now?  You can do it!"  And I did.
8.  They stuck the pink bow to her head with KY jelly.  Seriously.

Cuz

I spent a good hour on the phone with my cousin last night and there was laughter and there was tears.  As I asked her forgiveness for not letting go of an old issue, she showed me what compassion and forgiveness look like in reality.  As she and I discussed my pregnancy, miscarriage, and pregnancy -- and her frustrated attempts to concieve, we laughed and wept together. 

Conference

My boss asked me to attend a conference with her this summer, 3 1/2  days, out of town.  I am honored to be asked - it is kind of a big deal.

However, that means figuring out what to do with the Girl for about 12 hours a day while I am out of town.  The Daddy leaves for work around 6 and often does not get home until 6.  That is 36 hours of child care to figure out.  That is a lot.

This is also the first time I will ever be away from my girl for that long.  Ever.
The first time I leave the Daddy in charge overnight.
Not that I have any worries about him being able to handle it. He will be fine.

3 days of worrying, 3 days of adult-only company.  What a novelty.

Out of the mouths of babes

"Daddy is your 'husband'.  And you are his 'life'."  - The Girl, Age 5

Yep, you got that right.  :)

the Hubs

I just love him.

No, life is not perfect.  But I just love him. 

I love his ridiculous collection of pots and planters that sit empty until I put something in them.

I love snuggling with him for a mid-afternoon nap.

I love how much he appreciates any meal I concoct.  And I am full of concoctions.

I love his dreams- realized, partially-realized, not yet realized.

I love the part of him that obsesses over his family.

I love the part of him that obsesses over our family.

I love that he encourages me to pursue my dreams.  And that he does not judge me if I put one off.

I love that he does not equate my lack of interest in housekeeping with a lack of love.

I love the grin he gets when we talk about our growing family.

I love overhearing him talk about "my wife" or "my girls".

I love how he humors my need to grow things - people, plants and otherwise.

I love how seriously he takes my career.

I love how he does things - like watch college sports - just to having something else to bond with my dad & stepmom about.

I love how he collects things, then spontaneously agrees to part with these random objects that build up.

I love that his enormous tie collection is not exactly sorted by color. 

I love that he grinned and set it up when the Girl requested "wine" (apple juice) and a candle for her bubble bath.  (That is my girl!).

I love that he is the last one to request to hold someone else's baby, but that he is so clearly satisfied by it when his turn comes.

I love that he texts me all day long with love messages and gives me ETAs until he will see me again.

 I love that he loves his mother, probably more than anyone else in the world does.  And he makes sure she knows.

I love that he kisses me good bye, every time, and hello, every time.

I love that his favorite spot to sit is next to me on the couch, head on my lap.

Family

Yesterday, I recieved a text from my sister in law, checking in and sharing a bad moment.  I got a chance to call her several hours later to see how she was doing.  This is a woman most of my readers here know, but I do not know her well.  Distance has provided few opportunities to spend any time really getting to know each other.  Twin's recent illness caused her to visit and we were blessed to have the space to offer hospitality.  In crisis, some draw apart, others draw together.  There were few private moments to spend together, but those we did were very powerful. 

One morning, we were driving down the road together and she asked me about my family, I think out of politeness and general kindness.  Little did she know what a can of worms that is.  I do not know what is happening, but I am the only imperferct member of my family.  Just ask them.  Mom and I have been drifting apart and I have tried to reach out to close the gap. I own my part of the incident that started the drift, but I can't accept all of the blame, and I have been trying to do my part to fix it.  Phone calls were let go to voicemail, called were not returned until days later.  It got bad enough that the Daddy and I had to laugh, or else I would cry -- "I called my mom today."  "Did she answer?"  "Nope, voicemail on both phones. How long do you think it will take to get a call back this time?"

But I am a GDLiar. Just ask her.  She never did not answer a phone call from me.  She never waited days to call me back.  Truth is, she actually never even initiated a phone call at all until Twin passed away, and not again since .  I suggested she call my husband if she was unwilling to hear what I had to say, but that is neither here nor there, becuase she won't.   Nor is it actually part of the story, but dang I needed to vent.

Seriously, imagine your mom.  If your mom is the PTO, cookie-baking, nesting, nurturing type, that is the same mom I would have described to you 4 months ago.  What the heck??  I must be a horrible person to earn this treatment.

OK, tangent aside, back to my sister in law.  I called her on a difficult day for her to check in and see if she needed a shoulder to vent upon.  She had heard it all about my mom during her visit during that car ride.  Every suggested she made as a mother and as a daughter, I was honestly able to say I had tried.  I am dedicated to keeping the lines of communication open.  I am dedicated to maintaining my daughter's relationship with Mom as a positive one.

As SIL and I began to talk, she asked me if there had been any improvements to the situation.  I laughed and shared briefly that, no, if anything things were worse.  Remember, I had called her to see how I could help her.  She began to ask more questions and would not let me change the subject.  Interestingly, and irrelevantly, due to my Mom's age when I was born, the age gap between the Daddy and his sister, and the age gap between the Daddy and me, SIL and Mom are only 5 years apart in age. 

As we discussed the situation, she asked some questions and then she said some things I really needed to hear. 

"You know you are not responsible for her choices?"

"You know you are doing everything you can?"

"You know no one has the right to talk to you that way?"

"You know you always should be able to ask for what you need, especially from your parents?"

"You know you have the right to your feelings, and you have to acknowledge them to yourself?"

"You do know that you know your truth, no matter who says you are wrong?"

"You know you do not deserve this?"

I am tired of being the one who is disposible.  I was given away at the age of two by the people who promised my father they'd take care of me.  The man who raised me disowned me at the age of 21.  I have 2 older natural sisters, raised separately, neither of whom is interested.  My younger sister can't be bothered.  Now my mother?  Seriously?  Seriously??  I know, it totally must be me.  I am the common denominator.   

It was so wonderful to have some outside perspective, someone who cares enough to take the time to say some of the things I need to hear, and who I think is able to be relatively objective about the situation.

I really needed that.

behavior?

Someone shared with us recently that his 5 year-old daughter got into a fist fight at school.  He was appalled and frustrated and more than a little embarassed due to his own profession and reputation. 

When the Daddy shared the story with me, I had a moment of "thank heavens, not my kid".  If you know us, you know that Our Girl has had her own issues with behavior.  She has been doing much better lately, but life has not been easy at our house.  I am preggo - tired all the time, Daddy is still struggling with the loss of his brother, and we have accepted some financial burdens that make our budget tighter than we would like.  I know she is not getting the attention she deserves, and if she is not getting enough positive attention, she goes right for the negative. Our extended family has not had time to spend with her lately either, and she is feeing more than a little deprived. She is getting into trouble at school again - sassy, disobedient. 

Just as Daddy told our friend, I know we cannot make her choices for her, and no matter how much guidance you give, kids will sometimes make bad choices.  But seriously.  We all need to step it up a notch and do better at home to give her what she needs in the way of positive attention so she can stop with the megative-attention grabbing behavior. 

And in the slightly random side:

• I am in the midst of a jelly bean binge.
• My brother asked me to be godmother to his son.  He asked me this past Monday; the baptism is Sunday...  3000 miles away.  Not going to make it. But I am so honored.
• I hate cashews.
• I won a gift card to the movies and CANNOT wait to go.  I love the movies, but I almost never go.
• Either I looked especially fat yesterday or my baby bump has appeared - I had several comments.
• The Daddy noticed the bump on Saturday morning. So I am going with not fat.
• My wedding anniversary is Sunday.  My husband will be out of town.  Awesome.

the month of our marriage 4

Last night we got a new ultrasound pick.  Everything looks good and my baby now LOOKS like a baby.  a tiny 2-inch tall baby.   I was so busy staring at the screen watching him/her turn flips, look right at the "camera", pose for the perfect profile shot that the Daddy had to call my name 3 times before I heard him to turn my head for a kiss.  (Nice clear view of the umbilical cord too, so I pointed it out to the Girl who is fascinated with all things baby right now).

Daddy and I have done this before.  The Girl was there, then, too.  :)   I remember being frightened, anxious, excited, and passionately in love with her already.   The Daddy, I was not so sure some days, but he came around.  (Just kidding).  Seriously, I think, like most men I have talked to, the "big ultrasound" was the moment Daddy came around and everything became more real. 

What a wonderful time for our family this is.

the month of our marriage 3

I asked the Daddy if I was remembering the right order of our first few dates and he says I am wrong.  He is probably right, he has a much better memory for these things. However...

According to him, we went together to an event for the first time (does that make it a date?)  to a swimming party with some friends.  At which, according to him, I wore a red swimsuit.  (I have never owned a red swimsuit in my adult life).  I do remember some details he brought up, but I think he has this out of order and crossed with some other outing with a previous girl.  Since if he had already seen me in a suit, I would not have been anxious about the hot tub outing. 

We do agree that one of our earliest dates was a late-night outing to the park near his condo (the condo which would eventually be our first home together - the home to which we brought the Girl from the hospital).    We were out with friends that afternoon, and weren't ready to say good-night when we got near home.  So we pulled into the park and and went for a walk by the lake.  We found a cozy hillside and sat and just got to know each other better.  At some point, his head ended up on my lap. We both fell asleep a little, I think.   I also think that is when I started to fall in love a little.  That this man had this gentle, nature-loving, walk-in-the-park at midnight soul.

The month of our marriage, pt. 2

He FINALLY asked me out on a date.  It actually did not take long after the guy dinner, but in girl time, it was too long.  But we were kinda quiet about it, because of the whole circle of friends thing and what if it got weird?

The first part of this story would not have happened if he had been on time.

While I was stewing over him being late, a guy called.  A guy who wanted to continue dating and refused to understand I was not interested.   I took the call.  After all, I was dressed, made up, tapping my foot, and there was a chance it was TONIGHT'S DATE calling to apologize for running late. It wasn't and the conversation turned emotional (on his end) just as I (finally!)hear a knock on the door.  Feeling sorry for bachelor #2, I let bachelor number 1 in and asked for just a minute to finish my call. I handed him the remote and  I slipped into the other room.  It was a long minute, and he finally yelled that he was going to go since I was busy.  Seriously?  You were late.  Have patience.  I am worth it!

Yeah, off to a great start. Points to both of us for a lame beginning.

So we went to dinner, I can't remember where - chinese, maybe? - then he asked me if I felt like sitting in the hot tub and hanging out.  Yah right.  In my bathing suit?  With this amazing body.  You must be kidding me.  He said something like, I asked you out right? So I must like how you look.  Besides, if this works out, I'll see you in your suit EVENTUALLY so let's just relax shall we? 

Actually, he is kind of a bad-boy (ooooohhhhh shivers!), so it was not as sweet as that... I am sure he said I was hot... but whatever it was - and I do actually remember, verbatim, and it still makes me blush a little - it worked.  Some conversations are for quoting and some are for cherishing.  This is a cherishing one.  :)  I agreed and put on my suit.

Except the hot-tub was locked.  And my key did not work. After all that.  Hmmmpf. So, back to my apartment, hanging out, getting to know each other, smooching on the couch a bit... It was a lame start, but it sure picked up from there... and he asked me out again, so it must have been OK with him after all.

The month of our marriage

March.  Last year, I was in false-calm mode as we approached the wedding in 2 weeks.  Everything not-last-minute was done.  Except the DJ.  That was HIS job.  I ended up taking care of it. 

But that is neither here nor there.

March. We got married in March. Now, I am no Pioneer Woman, no Black Heels to Tractor Wheels here, but here is our story - at least highlights -

We met.  We don't know exactly when, because we met through mutual friends.  We know where - swordfighting park, between 8-9 years ago.  I remember thinking his friend was cute, so I went up to them to say hi.  (I really don't think his friend is actually that cute anymore, but the Daddy sure is hunky).  I asked the two of them to join my army so that my BMF and I could be King and Queen (long story).  (The BMF was, at the time, my ultimate epitome of manliness, and this pretend King Queen thing in our swordfighting club was as close as we would ever get to any sort of romance, as he was about to asked his GF to elope.  Bummer. But I love them both to death, so it all turned out all right. Besides, everyone needs one really good unrequited-love-story to make the real thing that much better.)   But back to the story.  The Daddy said no, he already promised someone else to fight for them.  But he did fall on his sword for me.  Good man.  But still, not dating yet.

Fast forward.  A few "business" phone calls, nothing personal.  Then one day, I felt like calling, but felt that was too forward to just call him up.  So, I came up with a most excellent cover story. 

"Um,  Hi.  I have this message from you but my voicemail is not working right, so I don't know if it is old or new.  So I am just calling to see."  Stop talking. Just stop talking. By the way, did I mention to you, readers, there is this other guy that thinks we are dating, but I think we are not.  Long story.  Not the Daddy.  A different guy.  This will be relevant later.
"No, that must be an old message.  Haven't called you recently."
"Oh.  Sorry."   S***!  Now what do I say?
"But hey, if you ever just want to call me, it is ok.  You don't have to make up a story next time."  Busted.  What do I say?  What do I SAY?  WHAT DO I SAY?
So I laugh. I am super cool, obviously. "Ok.  So, what are you up to?"
"Dinner with ***" (Previously mentioned used-to-think-he-was-cute friend.)  "Wanna come? It is just me and the guys."

Yay.  My super-lame-so-let's-be friends-overture worked and after this dinner with his guy friends, which is apparently rather a rare thing to invite a GIRL to come to...and then the Daddy starts calling me at home.  No date yet.  But no one ever said that "super-obvious" doesn't work better than subtle.  Also, I never really claimed to be other-than-a-dork.  :)

NOTE:  We talked about this last night, and he still laughed that I used that lame line about the messages.  :)  What a man.

The first friend phone call AKA glimpse into the future

The Girl got her first phone call from a school friend yesterday.  She had called earlier to leave a message: 

Hi, (friend), it is (the Girl).  My mom's phone number is (***).  I forget what we are wearing for twins day.  If you remember, call me back.  My mom's phone number is (***).  If you don't remember, call me so we can make a new arrangement.  My mom's phone number is (***).  Ok.  Just call me anytime.  This is (the Girl).  My mom's phone number is (***).  My dad's phone number is (***).  Ok.  Bye.

20 minutes or so, and the friend calls back.  HAHAHA Clearly not a frequent phone user, because me answering REALLY flustered her and she had to put her Grandma on.  She and the Girl talked about 20 minutes, standing in their closets, planning the wardrobe.  The Girl hung up and called her back. Another long conversation. 

Let's talk about our families.
Let's talk about our pets.
Let's talk about our back-yards.

I finally (good grief, already?) had to tell my Girl to get off the phone, it had been a long enough conversation. 

Mom, I forget to tell her something, can I call her back?
No, honey, let her have family time.

Ring Ring.  This is (friend).  Is (the Girl) there?  I forgot to tell her something.

Good heavens.  They are 5 going on 13.

PS.  the other girl forgot to dress up the next day.  LMAO